Lincoln Hawk Fan Club: s01e06, 'The Handmaiden's Tale'
Oh Boy, Vanessa Has Arrived
Hello, and welcome back to Lincoln Hawk Fan Club, my GOSSIP GIRL recap newsletter. Some housekeeping before we go!
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Well, I hope you enjoyed the last five episodes, because now Vanessa has arrived to ruin everything.
I'm kidding. Mostly. If you asked GOSSIP GIRL fans who their least favorite character is, I'd be willing to bet that Vanessa would top the final list. (At least, if we're only including main characters; that answer might change if we can include lesser characters.) Why? Well, Serena and Blair are our biggest protagonists, so obviously we need them to be likable; Chuck is...difficult to like, but on a clear redemptive arc; Dan, at least in the beginning, is meant to be the audience stand-in, someone on the outside of this world of wealth who is constantly flabbergasted by it; Jenny is a good girl at heart often corrupted by her need to fit in; and Nate is, well, a human golden retriever.
But Vanessa? Hoooo boy, all bets are off with Vanessa. Obviously, she comes in to be a foil to Serena, the girl Dan said he loved before she left town, breaking his heart, and considering how central the Dan-Serena love story is to the plot of season one, we don't start off on the right foot with V. Unfortunately, though, Vanessa is all of Dan's worst traits with almost none of his redeeming ones. Right off the bat, we see what a snob Vanessa is about the Upper East Side: She makes several cracks about Dan's rich and spoiled schoolmates, and vows she'll "deprogram" Jenny after sneaking her into the masquerade ball.
Vanessa can be judgmental and whiney, as Dan often is, but at least there's a modicum of self-awareness to Dan's complaints, and if you poke at them at all, his tend to fall apart while hers become stronger. She's got a ton of bluster but isn't terribly good at actually backing it up; when she helps Juliet take down Serena in season four, her response is to cut and run rather than stay and take responsibility for her actions.
And like other characters, we definitely do see a softer underbelly to Vanessa's bravado, but it never really works for her the same way. Like, it's kind of hard to feel sorry for her when her dress goes see-through at the Snowflake Ball because we know she hid Nate's letter to Jenny, and then wants to act self-righteous about the whole thing. No matter what bad thing Vanessa does, it's never as bad as what someone else did to her.
There's also the fact that she's often dressed in basically every late-aughts hipster cliché, but that worked for her character at the time, and also, I am clearly extremely biased.
Ultimately, I wouldn't call Vanessa a villain of the show, but she's definitely someone you don't root for much. There's a schadenfreude to watching Vanessa get screwed over; I'm not sure that's coded into the show, but she's one of the only characters who doesn't want in — or at least, who refuses to admit she wants in — and she's often punished for it. Worst of all, she's not even fun to hate, unlike someone like Georgina Sparks who is straight-up villainous.
Of course, it's also worth noting here that Jessica Szohr was a mixed-race actress (she said in a 2010 interview she's a quarter Black) on a show of near-exclusively white people, and some nastier corners of the fandom will have no doubt factored that in, whether consciously or not. (The gossip rags also alleged that Szohr cheated on Ed Westwick in 2010, who she'd been dating since 2008, and you can imagine how that went over with the Blair and Chuck sector of the fandom, specifically folks who aren't so good at separating fiction from reality. Parasocial relationships are a hell of a drug.)
All this to say, it's complicated! Vanessa is constantly on the outside and if we're meant to want to be on the inside, like Dan does, then we aren't going to want to be associated with her. That's some good character work at play!
Best Lines of the Episode:
Vanessa: “So this Blair girl used you as her slave.”
Jenny: “No, I was her handmaiden.”
Vanessa: “‘Handmaiden’ is Jane Austen for slave.”
Dan: “Would you excuse me, I just saw the last person I ever expected to see.”
Serena: “Yea, how could I say no to that?”
Dan: “Vanessa! Vanessa wait, please, why won’t you wait! Oh…because…you’re not Vanessa, I’m sorry. Case of mistaken identity! Ironically…not involving masks.”
My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:
Lily looks so good at Eleanor's party! I couldn't get a good shot of the strappy heels she's wearing with this look, but they're truly great. Very on-theme without being costume-y.
Final Stray Observations:
Okay, this is what I was talking about last week: I thought "Dare Devil" ended with Blair and Jenny on at least somewhat equal footing, but now Blair is having Jenny serve as her servant? I guess if Dorota is busy helping Eleanor, someone has to do it.
When the shopkeeper says "Why not show off my latest wares?" it definitely feels like an NPC in one of Sam's video games.
Ah, the first appearance of Blair's velvet robe — this is gonna show up again on Chuck in a few seasons.
Virginity as a prize? Virginity is a construct, Blair.
It's funny to me that Dan would think the masked ball is pretentious when actually it would be extremely Truman Capote of him to show up.
So, Vanessa's parents decided in...October? That she could finish high school in the city? What kind of hippie commune are they living on?
I will give this show a LOT of leeway when it comes to characters getting in between boroughs in unreasonable time but I absoLUTEly need someone on this show to EXPLAIN TO ME in WHAT UNIVERSE Jenny would have gotten from WILLIAMSBURG, BROOKLYN to the UPPER EAST SIDE OF MANHATTAN in FEWER THAN FIVE MINUTES.
Oh dear, the Captain is on coke! "Leftover from nights at Limelight or The Tunnel" is a great burn from Chuck.
Eleanor's hookah is "adorable" and I think that about summarizes how rich white people think of other cultures, no?
Blair changes her voicemail to be specifically about the masked ball. Is this a thing teenagers did, change voicemails to be specific to the moment? I was too mortified by the sound of my own voice.
Okay, so this makes more sense: Blair is essentially hazing Jenny, but promises that "her time will come." I need to know who hazed Blair — I'd be willing to bet no one, but it does seem like there's a system.
The adults on this show say the weirdest things to their teenagers, like Lily telling Serena that at her age, she should be playing the field — which is also crazy considering how much Lily complains about Serena being too wild.
"richboyIV" is the funniest fucking screenname
This whole scene where Nate just can not pick up on the painfully obvious cues that Serena does not want to do this with him is just...too real for a 16 year old boy.
Rufus telling Vanessa that she broke Dan's heart when she left is some intense overstepping on his part. I'd kill my parents if they'd said something like that to someone.
Jenny is incredibly casual about seeing Vanessa in her house for someone who's been gone for a year.
Lily invited Rufus to Eleanor's party to connect him with rich people...smooth, Lily. Very smooth.
LMAO hey it's "America's Next Top Model" season 7 winner CariDee English as Bart Bass's date, bringing you that CW programming synergy you crave!
For all this talk about how no one is going to be recognized with their masks on, some characters are able to clock others right away. And then no one recognizes Jenny? What kind of SAILOR MOON hair blindness rules are we playing with here?
Speaking of Jenny, that education from Blair took root fast because my girl is suddenly excellent at fucking with Chuck. Leaving him naked on the roof? Beautiful vengeance.
1) Why is there champagne at an explicitly high school party? and 2) I hope Jack Altman is okay, Dan could have at least put him in a cab.
"Enough business talk, let's discuss our teenage children getting engaged one day!" Again, what are the adults on this show on? Other than coke, in the case of the Captain.
Eleanor's face in the background after Rufus and Lily kiss is some great comedy I only just noticed, and I've seen this episode a dozen times.
"Did you follow me here to prove I was lying?" Yikes, Dan, that's a bad look — and the "loved you - in the past" is a rough follow up.
There's like, three separate conversations about the horrors of starched shirts in this episode, I need to know what the writers of GOSSIP GIRL have against starched shirts.
"Beauty fades, but yours has done a remarkable job of holding on," is...a compliment? I think? I'm not sure how I'd feel about it were I on the receiving end but it works on Lily so I'll let it slide.
Ooooopsie, Serena and Jenny swap clothes for paper-thin reasons, which leads to Nate telling Jenny he's in love with Serena! And then kissing her! Uh oh, this can't end well...
UH OH, and a Cinderella glass slipper moment with the diamond bracelet? Jenny is in trouble.
Also, what is the deal with Kati and Iz!!!! They both get in a limo with Serena's date, they were getting ready for school together a few episodes back, I'm about three seconds away from writing GOSSIP GIRL fanfic where they're girlfriends.
DAMN, the Cap sold Nate out to avoid taking the hit for his drugs! Parents, amirite?
Vanessa telling Dan that he's never done contrite well is the understatement of the year.
Serena is, according to Dan, "pretty fantastic — almost as good as this pierogi." The men in this family sure do know how to compliment a woman.
And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:
Dan walks into his apartment after making plans with Vanessa and sees Gossip Girl open on...Jenny's computer? I assume? And decides to slam that ol' refresh button. Lo and behold, there's a new blast! That he would have sent out! And it is...truly sociopathic when you consider what it says:
Why is it that friends of Serena van der Woodsen have to search for her suitor? Have fables fallen so out of fashion that the Princesses have to do everything themselves? Call us old school, but sometimes the Fairy Tale ending requires the Knight to get off his ass and saddle up his steed.
And then...would you guess it, Dan makes a big, bold gesture and rents a tux! Based on the Gossip Girl blast he literally just sent out. Psycho!
Also, this doesn't count against Dan, but when Jenny tells Serena that he's never liked a girl like he likes her...yea, no kidding, considering he made an entire anonymous website dedicated to stalking her and her friends!
And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!
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