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• If you’re just here for fashion talk at Voted Most Talkative, you can opt out of Lincoln Hawk Fan Club by going here and turning off the corresponding toggle. (Similarly, you can opt out of VMT and only get LHFC!) But, I mean…who doesn’t love GOSSIP GIRL?!

• If you haven’t seen GOSSIP GIRL in full, and you don’t want to be spoiled, please know that Lincoln Hawk Fan Club is a spoiler-friendly zone for the entire series. You’ve been warned!

• And that’s it! You know you love me, etc, etc.

The holidays are officially over, and for most of us, it’s time to get back to reality. Of course, “reality” for rich teens looks a little different than it does for us normal folks.

While GOSSIP GIRL is certainly a work of fiction, and aspects of rich teen privilege are exaggerated for dramatic effect, much of it isn’t too far off base. In “School Lies,” the group breaks into the school pool to throw a party where a fellow student gets hurt. Unfortunately for them, there’s a new headmistress in town who thinks she can be a hardass with these kids. Reality check!

One of the very real privileges of wealth, as Chuck will point out to Dan in this episode, is that money absolutely can buy your way out of trouble. The only two people in this episode actually concerned about getting caught are Dan, a scholarship student, and Serena, who has fucked up most of her freebies thus far. The rest of them? They all know that even if someone does get caught, there will be no real consequences: Their parents barely care enough to discipline them (the headmistress can’t even get in touch with some of them) and the school needs their money too much to throw them out for real.

In the world of GOSSIP GIRL, adversaries and newbies often think they can screw over these rich kids somehow, that they’ll finally face real consequences. But that’s not how being rich works most of the time! Most of the time, rich teens end up being sentenced to 25 hours of community service that they likely would have done anyway because they’re on the committee. And when it happens, they truly don’t believe they’re getting preferential treatment.

Must be nice!

Best Lines of the Episode:

Blair: “Isn’t there someone else you could torture?”
Chuck: “Probably. But I choose you.”

Blair: “So we all know how this works.”
Chuck: “If no one talks, no one gets into trouble.”
Nate: “Who did break in, anyway?”
Chuck: “Well, I guess we don’t have to worry about Nate cracking under pressure.”

Blair: “I’m innocent. Well, except for a crime of passion. I did something stupid with someone, and even worse than doing that stupid thing, I did the same stupid thing with someone else and pretended I had never done that stupid thing before. You look confused. Should I walk you through it?”
Headmistress Queller: “Let’s stay on point. I reviewed your record. It’s pristine. If Constance has a shining star, it’s Blair Waldorf. I never would have expected this from you.”
Blair: “I know. I’m the perfect one.”

Dan: “Chuck. You need to tell the truth.”
Chuck: “Whatever happened to ‘don’t speak until spoken to.’”
Dan: “I just saw you with that key, I know you had it at the party.”
Chuck: “Poor little Humphrey dumpty. Look, let me clarify something for you. Regardless of who you’re currently sleeping with, you and I come from different worlds. In my world, if I’m suspended or expelled, a wing is donated in the Bass name.”
Dan: “That sounds like quite a world.”
Chuck: “Well, it’s not perfect, I’ll admit. But one thing it does offer in spades is security. My family can take care of me. What do the Humphreys have to offer? Used metrocards? Your dad’s cassingle? And in case you were wondering, you narc, I only took the key from the party to hide it so we didn’t all get blamed. Including you.”

Blair: “I’ll be brief.”
Vanessa: “And I’ll be not interested.”
Blair: “Is that how you speak to the person who just paid your rent for a year?”
Vanessa: “What did you just say?”
Blair: “Congratulations, Vanessa! You just won 365 more days in your Ikea-furnished closet.”
Vanessa: “You went to my building? You talked to my landlord?”
Blair: “No, I don’t speak Ukrainian, but I do speak envelope of cash, and he understood me perfectly.”
Vanessa: “I don’t believe you.”
Blair: “Blair Waldorf is not indebted to anyone – no matter how much I appreciate what you did.”
Vanessa: “You’re welcome, I guess?”
Blair: “Good! Now this transaction is finished and I’m free to return to disliking you.”
Vanessa: “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Blair: “Oh, and one more thing: If you didn’t pay your rent with it, what did you do with Chuck’s money?”
Vanessa: “I may have created a medical grant for teens with genital herpes. In his name.”

My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:

I know you’re expecting me to say Blair, and really, I almost did choose this Catherine Holstein dress, but something about B’s hair is very overwrought this episode, which tips the balance towards Serena’s studded DVF dress. I love the gray Rebecca Taylor coat and the t-strap platforms; it’s all very pretty together.

Final Stray Observations:

• I simply love the decision to make the key to the pool this old-timey-ass skeleton key because it’s way more dramatic than the run-of-the-mill key that would be more realistic, or, worse, a keycard.

• Poolside glass is especially stupid, but they’re teens, so I’ll give them a pass.

• Kati and Iz are both wearing bathing caps, but decoratively, so they do literally nothing to keep their hair dry. Obsessed.

• You know, it’s partially self-preservation, but I always forget that Chuck continues to be a mega-creep to Serena throughout most of this season, even after hooking up with Blair.

• Serena rattles off the address of the school to Dan and he recognizes it instantly, which, what teenager knows the address of their school?

• It is so, SO important to me that if you are under the age of, like, 20, and reading this newsletter that you understand cell phone photos were NOT this high quality in 2007. They blew those suckers up on the TV and they were CRISPY CLEAR! They had a flash. The iPhone didn’t even have a flash until the iPhone 4. It bothered me then and it really bothers me now!!!! Okay, cell phone rant over.

• Assigning a ten thousand word essay to high schoolers is objectively deranged. That’s two solid chapters of a novel.

• Sorry, Nate, but I’m with Chuck on this one: A heartfelt letter? Gag.

• I love that Rufus finally points out how absurd it is for Lily to travel all the way to Brooklyn to have conversations instead of just using the phone.

• Lily proceeds to call Rufus’s gut-spilling voicemail “endearing” and I’d walk into traffic if anyone did that to me.

• It is very, very funny to me, considering all the kerfuffle that happens later on in the series about how the show “refused” to play Taylor Momsen’s music when they played Leighton Meester’s, that right here in the first season, they use a song from Ed Westwick’s band The Filthy Youth.

• Dan reminds Chuck that he still owes him another black eye, which is true!!!

• Headmistress Queller tells Nate that he “always seems to be toeing the line of mediocrity,” which, BRUTAL!

• Chuck gives Vanessa $10k, and says that, to Blair, that money is a couple pairs of Manolos and a Chanel bag. But back in 2007 (and I’m sorry, this is going to hurt some feelings) a Chanel bag was still going for around $2500, and even expensive Manolos were clocking in under a grand, so that’s just bad fashion math.

• This is so not important, but the show makes choices like this all the time that I wish I could understand: Why does Lily tell Rufus to meet her at 90th and 5th when the Palace is down at 53rd and Madison, and he’s coming from Williamsburg?

• When Blair figures out that Nate sacrificed himself to save her, she tells him it’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for her, and bestie, we gotta raise the stakes here.

• Oh, now Lily decides to base her love life around what Serena wants?! Her whole life it’s been “fuck these kids, I do what I want” and when she has a shot at being actually happy it’s like, damn, my teenage daughter thinks her high school boyfriend is a forever thing, better step aside.

• “I would rather be Chuck’s stepsister than Dan’s” Serena what if I told you that you could have both?

• Headmistress Queller notes that Dan is running with a new circle now that he’s dating Serena van der Woodsen, to which he responds, “Is that in my file?” If it was, he’d probably steal it and frame it.

• The timing of the driver showing up right as Serena is claiming her life is completely normal is very funny, as is Dan asking, “You going to Brooklyn?”

• Rufus’s little convertible bug is very cute, but it’s winter, why is the top down?

• Blair quite coyly tells Nate that “a lot of mistakes have been made” when getting back together, which I suppose she thinks is a sufficient enough confession, but BAD NEWS is coming on that front.

• lol of course Bart paid Serena’s way out of trouble.

• Speaking of, though, why does he just sit there grinning while Chuck is being a slimeball to her? He chuckles about having their hands full with the two of them like it’s funny when most of the time he seems like he low key kind of hates his own son.

• I personally think it’s a little cruel of Serena to ask Rufus why he’s packing up his music when she knows how she screwed him over!!

And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:

Another day, another series of arguments about how Dan comes from a different world than Serena. A tired record, Danny boy! Surprised he hasn’t dislocated his shoulder from carrying that chip around.

When Serena finally confesses that it was her who unlocked the pool – which, no duh, Dan – she says she wasn’t honest with him sooner because she didn’t want him to judge her, to which he responds, “Aren’t we beyond that?” in the most judgmental tone possible. Just a few sentences later, Serena has to say, “I thought we were beyond this” to his judgy ass. There is no one on this show with a poorer understanding of who they really are than Dan Humphrey.

But what really, really got me is that when Serena crashes Dan’s meeting with the headmistress to confess, Queller starts in on her by saying, “Your file reads more like a rap sheet: You cut more sophomore classes than you attended, cheated on tests, talked back to teachers,” and Dan shoots Serena this look out of the corner of his eye which is one of the most punchable things I’ve seen him do so far.

Earlier, Serena also tells Dan that he didn’t know her before she went away, which, not only did he know her and know all the details Headmistress Queller rattles off, he ran a blog detailing all of her illicit activities during this time.

Psycho!

And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!

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• Beginning with episode 11, I will be experimenting with a paywall on every other episode recap. These recaps take a surprising amount of time and work, and your paid subscriptions are very much appreciated!

Subscribe now

• If you’re just here for fashion talk at Voted Most Talkative, you can opt out of Lincoln Hawk Fan Club by going here and turning off the corresponding toggle. (Similarly, you can opt out of VMT and only get LHFC!) But, I mean…who doesn’t love GOSSIP GIRL?!

• If you haven’t seen GOSSIP GIRL in full, and you don’t want to be spoiled, please know that Lincoln Hawk Fan Club is a spoiler-friendly zone for the entire series. You’ve been warned!

• And that’s it! You know you love me, etc, etc.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: One of the single best stretches of GOSSIP GIRL happens in the first season, from episode 7, “Victor/Victrola,” to episode 11, “Roman Holiday.” Literally every single thing is done to perfection, from the fashion to the drama to the line delivery. And for today’s newsletter we’re right in the thick of it, with episode 10, “Hi, Society!”

A lot of GOSSIP GIRL, especially in early seasons, revolves around the idea that, as CeCe says in this episode, the apple never falls far from the tree — in other words, these characters are all destined to be locked into the same patterns as their parents. It’s a thesis that’s come up more than once, from Chuck telling Nate in the pilot, “What we're entitled to is a trust fund, maybe a house in the Hamptons, a prescription drug problem — but happiness does not seem to be on the menu,” to Serena and Dan finding out that their relationship is just a copy-paste of their parents’ doomed romance in episode nine.

In introducing us to Lily’s mother CeCe Rhodes (finally! CeCe is here!), though, “Hi! Society!” is the first episode to really hone in on the generational trauma of rich people. CeCe has come to town with a scheme to manipulate her granddaughter into participating in Cotillion, something she didn’t manage to do with her own daughter. We learn this episode that CeCe essentially bribed Lily to break up with Rufus (although…okay, more on that in later seasons), which she tried only after bribing Rufus himself didn’t work.

Either the memory of that has faded, or Lily is too involved in the Upper East Side scene to care anymore, because she accepts CeCe’s “oh they found, uh…something, idk, in my lungs” bit without question and immediately presses Serena into becoming the granddaughter CeCe wants her to be. Lily even rewrites her presentation intro at CeCe’s urging.

“All you care about when people look at me is what they think of you,” Serena says to Lily about this betrayal. “How am I supposed to accept myself if my own mother doesn’t accept me?” And the lightbulb clicks in Lily’s mind: She’s doing to Serena what her mom did to her. What kind of life might Lily have had if she hadn’t let her mom push her into an ill-fitting mold?

The CeCe/Lily/Serena lineage is the most fleshed out family tree in the show, but this pressure exists across GOSSIP GIRL families: Blair’s perfectionism is an effort to please Eleanor, Chuck’s womanizing and business ventures are attempts at getting Bart’s approval, Nate’s desire to go to USC and slack off is a counter-reaction to his family legacy — even Vanessa wants to make her mom proud.

Family will fuck you up! That’s a fact of life no matter what tax bracket you’re in. But a central question of GOSSIP GIRL is whether you can break the patterns which have been set for you from birth. We just have to stay tuned to see how our kids do.

Best Lines of the Episode:

An All-Time Read from CeCe Rhodes: “The way you feel? It never goes away. It just gets worse. You’ll always use your dessert fork for your entrée, you’ll always feel under-dressed no matter what you wear, and at dinner parties, it will be as if there’s a language that sounds like English and you think you speak it, but they don’t hear you and you don’t understand them.
"As time passes, you’ll feel that people…never see you when they look at you, but wonder merely whether you are Serena’s whim or her charity case. Until the day comes when you realize that…girls like Serena don’t end up with Dan Humphrey. They end up with the Carters of the world, and, um, people like you, they turn into cocktail party anecdotes of their foolish youth.
"So…why don’t you, uh, give it up and…spare yourself the pain, hmm? I’m sure Serena will understand.”

CeCe: “So, I see it’s true what they say about the apple and the tree.”
Rufus: “Hello, Celia. I’d say it’s nice to see you, but I know how you hate dishonesty.”

Serena: “Besides, don’t you want to see your brother in a tux?”
Jenny: “Wait, what?”
Serena: “You know, your brother, Dan: The guy who thinks dancing is making fists and pumping ‘em into the air?”

Blair, reading Serena’s updated Cotillion intro: “‘Serena hopes to continue to live on the Upper East Side and devote her life to volunteering for the nature conservancy and junior league and have two wonderful children.’
Carter: “Let me see that.”
Blair: “Make it stop, you sound like me.”

My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:

Both Blair and Serena kill it at Cotillion, there’s no denying it. But the outfits they’re wearing at the top of the episode are just God-tier for both characters, from Serena’s sequined Nanette Lepore cardigan and knee sock combo to Blair’s pinstriped blazer and bright-red tights. The latter inspired me to try a knock-off version in college. It was…not as successful.

Also, this shot of Chuck’s hand on Blair’s tights altered my brain chemistry:

Final Stray Observations:

• Speaking of deb balls, was anyone else completely obsessed with Teen Vogue’s Crillon Ball coverage every year? I kind of miss it…

• “A girl wants Romeo, not Hamlet,” Blair says, and while Serena is correct to point out that Romeo dies, I’d also like to add that Juliet was 13! Romeo and Juliet is romantic but not in a fun way!

• “Don’t eff with an effer” is so fucking funny to me. I know they had to get past CW censors but

• The way Chuck talks about Blair in front of Nate — “She does have a certain glow to her, doesn’t she?” etc. — is like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. It is gross but I also kind of love it and yes I’ll bring that up in therapy this week.

• All of this stuff about Blair’s date, Prince Theodore, serves a lot of foreshadowing for Prince Louis, no? Serena says she can see Blair on the cover of Hello! already and Blair, I have seen your future and you do not want that!

• Blair and Chuck are still hooking up post-Thanksgiving. Seems uncharacteristically sloppy for B but they also have killer chemistry so I can’t blame her.

• Why did Blair sew her heart charm into precisely one sweater? It’s a cute gesture but it doesn’t even seem like a sweater he wears often? Nate is not a perceptive guy, Blair, one tiny heart charm in one sweater ain’t gonna cut it.

• Something that pisses me off this episode is that Jenny is the one who dragged her mom back from Hudson, and now she’s pitching a little teen fit about not getting her way, being an ungrateful bitch about the vintage shoes her mom bought for her. Later, she sulks, “If you were in Hudson, I’d be able to go [to Cotillion]” and girlie pop you should’ve considered that before you boarded a train!

• I admire the verbal trickery CeCe pulls off; she never says she has cancer or even a tumor, just that the doctors “found something.”

• Blair rolling up to Nate’s fitting in jeans!!! I don’t think we ever see her in denim again, but she looks great.

• Chuck texts, “R U With Him RT Now” and god, kids these days will never understand how hard it was to text in 2007, especially with a T9 keyboard!!!!!

• Of course Nate is most attracted to Blair when she’s unattainable, get in line, bro.

• Lily’s shock at seeing Alison in the shoe department of Saks Fifth Avenue is expert level bitchiness, I cackled.

• I have not noticed this before, but CeCe makes a joke about her ice getting lonely to what is clearly Dorota, but the “of course ma’am” delivered after is not Zuzanna Szadkowski??? I need to know why!

• Nate asks Chuck if he and Blair are still close, and I do love the groundwork the show has put into the Blair-Chuck friendship foundations. Just two people who love to scheme and be kind of evil from time to time.

• Every time I hear “You almost made a fool out of me in front of the New York Times” I think of this ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT line.

• Letting Dan go to Cotillion but not Jenny is just bad parenting, this one is on Rufus tbh.

• Chuck sending this cell phone video of Carter outside of Blair’s apartment to Gossip Girl would’ve taken approximately 5-7 business days and the entirety of his data plan for the month.

• Serena is remarkably naive about her grandmother, between “She loves honesty!” and “She probably just wanted to see your mom’s art.” In what world, Serena?!

• Chuck getting revenge on Carter from the boys’ weekend in episode four while also covering his tracks with Blair is a smart two-birds/one-stone strategy, even if it does backfire.

• Carter is the one who jazzes up Serena’s intro to say “Miss van den Woodsen hopes to bed as many billionaires as she can before settling down to..” and I’ll be honest, I might be team Carter/Serena?

• Kati and Iz came with brothers!!! I NEED THE FULL KATI/IZ BACKSTORY AND I NEED IT NOW!

• Okay, more Carter/Serena: First, why is a teenager holding a glass of scotch to her date’s punched jaw? Second, the Santorini lore! Again…I am rethinking some things…

• Lily goes all the way to Brooklyn just to call Dan on his cell phone and ask him to meet her outside of Alison’s opening. Lily. You have his cell phone number. What is with the multi-borough trip?

• Chuck is such a smitten kitten for Blair and I love it.

• Blair tells Chuck, “You did all of this for your own enjoyment and didn’t care what it would do to me” and my girl please write this on a Post-It note somewhere so you can remember this for the next six seasons.

• All of this scheming to keep Lily from Rufus and Serena from Dan and I need to know: Who was CeCe banging in her youth that she wasn’t allowed to keep?

• I’m sorry but Nate winking at Chuck before hooking up with Blair skeeves me out!!!

• Alison gives Jenny a lecture about who she’s becoming and Jenny takes exactly zero percent of it to heart.

• I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET YOU LET ME GO!!!!!!!

• The One Republic “Apologize” music cue has to be a top five of the series, right? Maybe even top three.

• Why does Blair’s hair look that perfect after being pulled out of a heavily hairsprayed bun? This shouldn’t matter to me, and YET.

• Chuck is fleeing to the airport but he already has a copy of the New York Times with Blair and Nate on the cover. I know early editions are a thing but debutante balls are hardly “rush to press” worthy.

And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:

First of all, Dan says this about Serena to her grandmother mere moments after being introduced: “People spend all this money to have their daughters basically dance in front of others for attention, when, if you ask Serena, I bet she’d do that right now for you, free of charge.” Bro, gross. This doesn’t even have to do with him being Gossip Girl, I just think if my boyfriend said that about me to my grandma, I wouldn’t give it a cute little giggle.

Second, and this is related: Everyone is fawning over where Carter Baizen has been on his grand “giving up the trust fund” tour, and Dan is like, “Oh? Where were you?” Only we find out that Gossip Girl had a dedicated Carter Baizen map on SPOTTED so actually, Dan could probably give a detailed itinerary of where Carter was. That’s creepy! But also, incredible. It’s a level of psycho I kind of have to respect.

This Gossip Girl blast kills me though: “This just in: We hear there’s a Cold War brewing between Lonely Boy and a certain blue blood. We never thought we’d say this ourselves, but our money’s on Brooklyn for the win.”

Psycho!

But then Dan shows up at Cotillion to dip-kiss Serena and fireman carry her out of there and damnit, I gotta give it to him, that’s smooth.

And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!

• Some of you may be here from my former newsletter (if so, hi! I missed you!); if that’s the case, these first several editions may feel familiar. I want to keep every episode recap in one place, so I will be bringing over previously-sent editions which cover episodes 1 through 9. Think of it as reruns to get you up-to-speed for the fresh editions, which will start with episode 10!

• Beginning with episode 11, I will be experimenting with a paywall on every other episode recap. These recaps take a surprising amount of time and work, and your paid subscriptions are very much appreciated!

Subscribe now

• If you’re just here for fashion talk at Voted Most Talkative, you can opt out of Lincoln Hawk Fan Club by going here and turning off the corresponding toggle. (Similarly, you can opt out of VMT and only get LHFC!) But, I mean…who doesn’t love GOSSIP GIRL?!

• If you haven’t seen GOSSIP GIRL in full, and you don’t want to be spoiled, please know that Lincoln Hawk Fan Club is a spoiler-friendly zone for the entire series. You’ve been warned!

• And that’s it! You know you love me, etc, etc.

When it comes to choosing the best episodes of GOSSIP GIRL — of all time — I can be flexible about a lot of things. But the hill that I will die on is that the best episode, the peak-of-the-peak, is season one, episode nine, "Blair Waldorf Must Pie."

As any GOSSIP GIRL fan knows, the Thanksgiving episodes are the high water mark of any season. What better ruse to gather the whole crew together in one place than a holiday dinner? What better place to unload a bunch of drama than at the table with your entire family?! What better insult to deliver than "Your sweet potatoes are bland"?! (We'll get there eventually, don't worry.) The Thanksgiving episodes are iconic, and that's largely because this first one was so incredible.

It's hard to really explain what specifically is so great about this episode. There are great lines — the delivery on "I'm adult-napping you!" kills me literally every time I watch — and the clothes are incredible. We're not quite at another drama peak but we are climbing back to one, especially after the events of "Victor/Victrola" and "Seventeen Candles." But still, there's no particular reason this episode ought to be so much better than so many others.

And yet!!! It's so good! The way that these characters are able to stand up against their parents, the way the drama between Alison, Rufus, and Lily unfolds, the way that Blair is able to insult both Jenny and Dan in their own home. Chef's kiss stuff. It's possible that I've developed an attachment because in recent years, it's become a personal tradition to watch as many Thanksgiving episodes of GOSSIP GIRL on the holiday itself, starting with this episode the moment the Macy's parade ends and going while I cook. (At least, that's definitely why I know almost every line.) Mostly, though, it's just great television writing.

There are two points against it: First is that there is no Chuck in this episode, which does feel like a loss. It would've been nice to see Chuck's dynamic with his father, but there is obviously already a lot happening here, so I do get why he was left out.

The second is that this is pretty much the only time the show ever seriously addresses Blair's eating disorder. When you go back and watch earlier episodes, you can see that the tension about her body/weight was there, but they don't really spell out that she has a full-blown ED until this episode, using more flashbacks from prior episodes to establish that baseline — and, after she promises to call Dr. Sherman, they never bring it up in a meaningful way again, either. There are a lot of balls in the air for this show, but it would've been great to see this be a more central part of Blair's life in the way it would be for someone suffering from an ED.

Those issues aside: Absolutely perfect television, 10/10, will watch any time, any place.

(If you want to know, the best Thanksgiving episodes are, in order: season 1, season 3, season 2, season 6, season 4. No, I didn't forget season 5, they didn't do one that year.)

Best Lines of the Episode:

Dan: "Man with a van, at your service."
Serena: "Hey."
Dan: "Hey. Bold choice of attire, Mrs. van der Woodsen. Unless that’s what they’re wearing on the runways these days."
Serena: "No, my mom sicked out because she didn’t want to be imposing."
Lily: "You know what, I am fine just curling up and reading a good book."
Eric: "But you’re supposed to be with family on Thanksgiving."
Dan: "Yea, and Nicholas Sparks is hardly family. I’m not taking no for an answer — in fact, I’m not even asking, you’re coming with us. I’m adult napping you."
Lily: "Fine. Just stop talking, and I’ll get ready."
Dan: "Make it snappy, I’m double parked. Thanks."

Dan: "Raise your hand if you’re over 30 and acting really weird right now."

Harold: “Serena, you look wonderful, that shirt was made for you.”
Serena: “Actually it was made for you!”

Serena: “Hey guys, I’m back and I brought…Blair.”
Blair: “Hey.”
Serena: “Wow. Weird vibe. Okay. Where’s Dan?”

Dan: “There’s no chance we’re related, right?”
Jenny: “Oh, look at Eric’s roots!”
Eric: “What’s wrong with my roots?”
Jenny: “They’re kinda Rufus-like.”
Serena: “Hey”
Dan: “Serena! And…Blair?”
Jenny: “Blair!”
Blair: “Yea, it’s me.”
Serena: “Explanation to follow, but first: What’s going on with our parents?”
Jenny: “Oh, our dad dated your mom.”
Dan: “Oh, we’re not related though.”
Serena: “What?”
Eric: “Ignore my roots.”
Serena: “Wait…wait…what?!”
Blair: “You know what’s really weird? There’s a garage door in the middle of your room! Oh, is that Cedric?!”
Dan: “Well, this day just got a lot worse.”

Blair: “When you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom was a groupie. I mean, only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth could ever marry your step dads.”

My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:

You knew what it was going to be, right? It's the Marc by Marc Jacobs dress Blair wears for Thanksgiving, which has to be in my top five — if not THE top — Blair looks of all time. But props must be given to this Lorick look too.

Final Stray Observations:

• The flashback set up is so fun and a great way to further establish the background of these existing relationships we've been watching the last eight episodes.

• That being said: Why is everyone in the Lower East Side? Were there no pies in Brooklyn? No open bars on the UES?

• "Bye, Dave!" must've been devastating to Dan.

• Everyone is very excited about this family reunion and Dan has to be a Debby Downer about it, which is very on brand for him.

• Harold Waldorf took his pumpkin pie recipe from...Bobby Flay? Is Bobby Flay known for making great desserts?

• I find it interesting that Serena asks Blair if she knows where Chuck is and says, "You guys are friends," as though she isn't friends with him — which, considering he assaulted her, would be understandable!

• The way Blair just volunteers that she slept with Chuck twice before being absolutely sure Serena knew that is kinda reckless for her! However, it is like her to one-up Serena by lying and telling her mom that she uninvited the van der Woodsens from Thanksgiving when Serena had decided on her own they weren't coming.

• Lily picks up a pumpkin because it's "festive" which is exactly how I'd expect a woman like this to think of food. Also, her line about it being okay to having Chinese on Thanksgiving because "Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever"?! A WASP icon.

• We finally meet Harold! I love Harold. Bailing on his family when his teenage daughter was not even a year out of ED recovery was kind of a dick move though, even if he did meet his model boyfriend at the family Thanksgiving dinner.

• Ooooooooh, Dorota's face when she overhears Eleanor lie!

• Lily, for godssake, call the damn landline. That's what they were there for!

• Dorota telling Blair to call her poppa and get the "real story" about why he isn't at Thanksgiving is the first we get a sense that Dorota is very much Team Blair in that household, and while I think their dynamic can be...problematic, I do love Dorota and Blair together.

• I'm sorry but there is no way Ann made that Thanksgiving dinner herself and Citerella can only do so much. Also, why is she dressed like a 70 year old headmistress?!

• Dan is wearing a Lincoln Hawk shirt in the flashback and I really need one of those.

• A question no one raises: If Lily had never been to the Humphrey loft, how would she know where Dan's room is to put the coats there?

• So Eleanor lied to Blair about Harold coming to Thanksgiving because she's still very bitter about their divorce, which allows Blair to deliver a truly devastating line to her own mother: "He didn't leave us, he left you." And I would feel bad, but Eleanor sending Harold's pie — which Blair theoretically at least helped make! — down to the doorman is straight up ice cold.

• It's a little strange to me that Dorota clears out the kitchen for Blair when she comes storming in. Shouldn't Dorota stay with her to make sure she doesn't harm herself?

• Serena is awfully quick to pick up the phone and happy to hear from Blair for someone who had a blow out fight with her just hours earlier.

• Oof, Rosewood Gate: How brutal to figure out that a song your husband wrote is actually about his ex-girlfriend and her beloved horse and not about you and your custom rose and sandalwood scent.

• If Blair was suspicious something was happening between Nate and Serena, which the show has established that she was, why on earth would she send him to help get her showered?

• This isn't relevant at the moment, but something that has troubled me: It's clear from the set up here that Blair's bathroom is a one-way in, one-way out situation into her bedroom, but in later seasons, it becomes a jack-and-jill style bathroom that leads into another bedroom. I know rich people can just renovate whenever they want, but still.

• Poor Dorota is going to have to clean up this enormous mess and it bums me out!

• I do think it speaks highly of Serena and their friendship that she's such a good friend the second she knows Blair is struggling with her ED again.

• I get a good chuckle out of all the late '80s, early '90s references this show shoves in when framing the Alison-Rufus-Lily love triangle, like Alison's steel-toed boots.

• Okay, I guess Lily let herself into Rufus and Alison's room? Which is a weird power-move, but also, I have a hard time envisioning the layout of the loft, because we really only see the main space and then Jenny and Dan's room.

• On that note, though, why does no one on this show ever close a goddamn door?!

• lol that in another flashback, Serena comes down the stairs and calls Dorota "Dorita" which makes Dorota glare up at her, something I only just caught watching for this newsletter.

• It's a nice detail that the guests in the flashback Thanksgiving at the Waldorf residence seem much more family-oriented, versus those at the current one who are almost all Eleanor's employees.

• Again, I really respect the power move of Ann telling the Captain that she'll cut him a check herself so he'll stay at Thanksgiving dinner instead of doing business with the Dutch company. Demoralizing for Howard? Sure, but I'd be happy to let someone demoralize me with money any time.

• Imagine a teenager born into wealth lecturing his mom about giving too much too freely to his father. Just imagine it!!!

• Lily saying that emotional affairs are necessary for marriages to work is incredible, as is Alison shooting back, "And how many times have you been divorced?"

• All that fuss over what they were going to eat for Thanksgiving and they could've gone to a diner literally at any time?!

• Dan putting Blair into a cab (in Dumbo but okay) is very thrilling to me, an agent of chaos who secretly loves them together.

• I'm trying to understand why the Humphreys all play football together on Thanksgiving when not a one of them seems remotely athletic.

• Finally, some humanity to Eleanor: She can't bring herself to sign the divorce papers because she doesn't want to admit her marriage is over. This moment proves that Eleanor and Blair are capable of having a good relationship with one another, even if it is strained.

• So when Serena was out drinking on the LES and sobering up at the Waldorfs, where were Lily and Eric? I suppose it would make sense to be one of the said ex-step-fathers?

• Ending the episode with all of the characters having a nice time with their family is a lovely touch. I think it makes them all seem like teenagers!

And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:

As is mentioned at the top of the episode, Gossip Girl — a.k.a. DAN!!! — takes a break on Thanksgiving, leaving the mice to play. Which is very generous of him! But in the very first flashback scene, we see Dan risk his life (and, of course, his pie) to save Serena from a speeding cab, at which point he fumbles out a few words about meeting her the year before. That's.. normal-ish, except that he's already running a gossip website dedicated to taking down her and her friends.

Creepier is the line he delivers when Serena says it'll be the first Thanksgiving she actually remembers in a while: "Yea, I bet." Dude, first of all, extremely judgmental of you. Second of all, be more chill about knowing things about Serena you shouldn't! Psycho!

And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!

• Some of you may be here from my former newsletter (if so, hi! I missed you!); if that’s the case, these first several editions may feel familiar. I want to keep every episode recap in one place, so I will be bringing over previously-sent editions which cover episodes 1 through 9. Think of it as reruns to get you up-to-speed for the fresh editions, which will start with episode 10!

• Beginning with episode 11, I will be experimenting with a paywall on every other episode recap. These recaps take a surprising amount of time and work, and your paid subscriptions are very much appreciated!

  Subscribe now

• If you’re just here for fashion talk at Voted Most Talkative, you can opt out of Lincoln Hawk Fan Club by going here and turning off the corresponding toggle. (Similarly, you can opt out of VMT and only get LHFC!) But, I mean…who doesn’t love GOSSIP GIRL?!

• If you haven’t seen GOSSIP GIRL in full, and you don’t want to be spoiled, please know that Lincoln Hawk Fan Club is a spoiler-friendly zone for the entire series. You’ve been warned!

• And that’s it! You know you love me, etc, etc.

More than once, someone has told me that they would love to watch GOSSIP GIRL with me, either someone who has already seen the show but wants to do a rewatch or someone who is tuning in for the very first time.

I promise you: You do not want to do that.

Look, I love GOSSIP GIRL and I am literally always happy to have an excuse to do a rewatch, but I know myself and I know that I am an absolute nightmare to watch the show with—especially the first season. I've seen some of these episodes so often that I can, and do, quote all the lines about a half second before they happen and sometimes even start humming the music cues. The only other piece of pop culture I know so well is CLUELESS, a movie I have seen so many times I could probably put it on as a one woman show. I know this is obnoxious behavior, and yet! I cannot stop myself from doing it!

There are four episodes I'm particularly awful about this — "Pilot," "The Wild Brunch," "Seventeen Candles" and "Blair Waldorf Must Pie" — because these were the ones I had downloaded onto the iPod video I got for Christmas that year. Remember how revolutionary that technology seemed at the time? I was literally so psyched to have it that I downloaded those and I think a few music videos. (I also pirated three movies but we don't have to talk about my crimes here.)

This was early early early in the streaming years, when shows would make episodes available for a nominal fee ($1.99 each, if memory serves) a few days after they aired; I remember once catching up with an episode of MAD MEN I'd missed this way. I can't recall why I chose these four episodes, though they are all great, but I do know that I'd watch them for months and even years later to kill time loads of places: on airplanes, on campus, on long car rides. Always on that teeny, tiny little iPod screen. I was David Lynch’s nightmare.

Anyway, that's why now I can't help but sneer lines like, "Looks like you got a lot of yogurt left" and "I must’ve totally blanked on the part where I invited you over" a half beat in front of Blair, which I think is Fine and Normal. But my brain has also just become a steel trap for all things GOSSIP GIRL, so I'll also talk over the episode to tell you fun facts about filming or complain about how the external shots of the Humphrey apartment are in Dumbo, not Williamsburg. While watching "Seventeen Candles" for this issue, I told Sam for probably the dozenth time that the reason Serena plays Guitar Hero at Blair's party is because Blake Lively was good at the game in real life, so the writers worked it in for her.

(It is my version of the way LORD OF THE RINGS fans can't let THE TWO TOWERS finish without telling everyone watching that Aragorn's scream after kicking a helmet is real because Viggo Mortensen broke his toe doing it.)

And that, in summation, is why you don't want to watch GOSSIP GIRL with me. Besides, I'd spend the whole time making sure you were enjoying it as much as I think you should and that's always a stressful viewing experience.

Best Lines of the Episode:

Blair: “Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been…awhile, since my last confession.”
Priest: “What troubles you, my child?”
Blair: “After being broken up with my boyfriend for exactly 20 minutes, I succumbed to inebriation, performed at a speakeasy and surrendered my virtue to a self-absorbed ass. The only good news is that he’s a total pig who’ll act like it never happened, thank God.”
Priest: [clears throat]
Blair: “Sorry. Truthfully, I’m not even Catholic.”
Priest: “You don’t say.”
Blair: “You don’t grant birthday wishes, do you?”
Priest: “I’m a priest, not a genie.”

Vanessa: “Vanessa, hi, nice to see you again.”
Serena: “This time you’re seeing less of me!”

Dan: “Um, tonight, tonight is Blair Waldorf’s birthday party. I think you might want to start by dipping a toe rather than diving off of a cliff, headfirst, into the rocks, with the sharks.”
Vanessa: “Why? We all know how to swim.”

Blair: “You sound like a jealous boyfriend.”
Chuck: “Yea, right. You wish.”
Blair: “No. You wish!”
Chuck: “Please, you forget who you’re talking to.”
Blair: “So do you. Do you…like me?”
Chuck: “Define like!”
Blair: “You have got to be kidding! I do not believe this.”
Chuck: “How do you think I feel? I haven’t slept, I feel sick, like there’s something in my stomach…fluttering.”
Blair: “Butterflies? Oh, nonononononononono, no, this is not happening.”
Chuck: “Believe me, no one is more surprised or ashamed than I am.”
Blair: “Chuck. You know that I adore all of God’s creatures and the metaphors that they inspire, but those butterflies? Have got to be murdered.”

My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:

There really is no choice other than Blair's Valentino birthday dress, but her confessional outfit finishes in a very respectable second place.

Final Stray Observations:

• Blair going to confession despite the fact that she's not even Catholic? An icon.

• Do you think kids today get her DA VINCI CODE reference? For a piece of pop culture that was SO huge at the time, it sure did fall off the map.

• Vanessa got a job working at a café—presumably in Brooklyn—but she's there from open to close? When is she doing school?

• An almost all-Virgins episode! The show was great about featuring music from real New York City acts, and this episode used the entire debut EP from The Virgins, "The Virgins '07," for the soundtrack. I thought I was extremely cool for listening to this after.

• Chuck, dude, you're being very weird and gross about taking Blair's virginity, play it more cool.

• Also, sorry, the idea that a teenage boy would have anyone purring is laughable.

• ALISON HAS ARRIVED! And she looks just like Jenny! That's really great casting.

• Everyone in this family loves making waffles! The question is: Who originated the waffle recipe and who just copies it?

• "You know me, Al, I'm a loyal guy. Once I commit to something I stick with it," is a cool line for a dude who just made out with his ex at a party.

• I would like to know what Blair was going to say about the jeweler before Eleanor interrupted her about the Archibalds.

• Ann wants Nate to excuse himself from a conversation amongst adults and yet she made him come with her to the jail the night before? Pick a lane, lady.

• Rufus is telling Alison how to act around her children as though she abandoned them years ago when she's only been gone since the summer.

• LOVE the Verizon Samsung placement! Apple whomst!

• Explain to me why any sane parent would suggest that their teenage son give his teenage girlfriend a literal engagement ring—one that is a family heirloom, no less!—as a birthday gift!!! "One day we'll be family and they won't have a choice in these matters!" "I'm not asking you to propose!" REAL MIXED MESSAGE STUFF, ANN.

• The absolute nerve of Blair telling Nate he'll have to really work for it if he wants to get back together knowing she just slept with Chuck! I love my little psychopath. Also the bit with her thanking God is cute.

• It's completely ridiculous, though startlingly realistic, that Alison tells her teenage son that she'd expected he'd tell her if he had a problem with her moving out of the house.

• Chuck's popped polo collar under the button down, my God. The things we did in 2007.

• It is sweet of Chuck to say that the three things he cares about in life are money, the pleasures money brings, and Nate. Dudes rock.

• This party theme...is a little grimace-y now, no? Slightly worse because it's hosted at the home of Kati's brother, the one Asian character on the show? I dunno I just have questions.

• Dan went back to the cafe to talk to Vanessa about his mom coming home while she was still working? Serena doesn't have shit going on, dude! Call up the girlfriend!

• If the view from this balcony feels familiar, it's because it was the backdrop for the photoshoot in "Bad News Blair" aka the roof of Silvercup Studios.

• This!!! Scene!!! The flippant way Blair handles Chuck trying to tell her sex with her wasn't that great! Ugh.

• Jenny, please play it cooler about Nate wanting to take a walk with you.

• Blair's little finger wave at Vanessa is perfect, no notes.

• Honestly? I am Team Alison in this separation. She has a right to be happy!

• Chuck telling Blair that Nate only wants to get back together to protect his family is so spot on for a stupid teenage boy who doesn't know what to do with his feelings for a girl.

• This line about Britney's VMA performance is especially brutal in light of her testimony about her conservatorship, which started around this time, to say nothing of her MEMOIR!!!

• Hey! Did you know that the writers worked Guitar Hero into this episode because Blake Lively was actually good at the game IRL?

• And they splashed out on that "Freebird" license!

• Oh Vanessa, how cunning to casually drop information about Dan that Serena doesn't have. Beautiful. Such a bitchy move.

• It is very on-brand of Serena to turn a moment which should be about Dan into a moment about how hurt she is. Take a breath and ask how he's feeling about his mom coming home before you pitch a fit, ma'am!

• Why is Dan being shady about taking relationship advice from Blair? Is this because he knows too much from being Gossip Girl?

• Nate proceeds to tell Jenny about breaking up with Blair because absolutely no one on this show ever learns a lesson about anything. But he is right, it isn't fair to Blair either.

• It's very sweet that when Jenny tells Nate her parents won't be mad she was out late because they think she was with a friend, he responds with, "Well, they think right." Nate's clueless, but a sweetheart most of the time.

• Nothing has made Blair seem more childish than her fit about her birthday wish not coming true because it was that Nate would get back together with her. She really is a teenager!

• As an adult, I'm trying to understand the logic of Alison and Rufus getting partially dressed only to hang out on the floor under a blanket. Fully naked or put pants on!

• This back and forth between Vanessa and Serena about who is better at Guitar Hero is so painful, and thus, so real.

• If anyone can find me that Erickson Beamon necklace, I'd owe you big time. "Something this beautiful deserves to be seen on someone worthy of its beauty," SIGH!!!

• No one in this show ever learns to lock a door, either.

And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:

Somehow, while at Blair's party, Dan gets the tip about his sister and Nate—though, obviously it's from behind, which means he wouldn't know it was Jenny—and manages to send the blast from his phone. I don't even know that technology was even there back in 2007, but barring that, it's just extremely dickish of him to send this out with "Happy Birthday, B!" when he's right there at Blair's party! Rude!!!

And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!

• Some of you may be here from my former newsletter (if so, hi! I missed you!); if that’s the case, these first several editions may feel familiar. I want to keep every episode recap in one place, so I will be bringing over previously-sent editions which cover episodes 1 through 9. Think of it as reruns to get you up-to-speed for the fresh editions, which will start with episode 10!

• Beginning with episode 11, I will be experimenting with a paywall on every other episode recap. These recaps take a surprising amount of time and work, and your paid subscriptions are very much appreciated!

Subscribe now

• If you’re just here for fashion talk at Voted Most Talkative, you can opt out of Lincoln Hawk Fan Club by going here and turning off the corresponding toggle. (Similarly, you can opt out of VMT and only get LHFC!) But, I mean…who doesn’t love GOSSIP GIRL?!

• If you haven’t seen GOSSIP GIRL in full, and you don’t want to be spoiled, please know that Lincoln Hawk Fan Club is a spoiler-friendly zone for the entire series. You’ve been warned!

• And that’s it! You know you love me, etc, etc.

In my humble opinion, which I would say that no one asked for except that you signed up to read this newsletter, we are officially entering one of the all-time best stretches of GOSSIP GIRL episodes in the entire series. Starting with this episode — "Victor/Victrola," the seventh in the first season — through to episode ten, "Hi Society," (maybe 11, "Roman Holiday," I'm on the fence), the writers were really firing on all cylinders.

Episodes one through three move pretty fast, because we're doing a lot of world-building and fast-paced drama setting; they gotta get you hooked, after all! Then four through six are a lot of character building and introducing the seeds of the real drama that will bloom for the rest of the season, which is important but can feel slower compared to what came before. Now, starting with "Victor/Victrola," we're here to party, baby.

The tension between Blair and Nate finally comes to a real head with Blair realizing Nate isn't over Serena and isn't able to appreciate her the way she wants to be appreciated. Dan and Serena, after a rocky start, are now an established couple, but they still come from different worlds that they'll have to navigate together. Rufus and Lily clearly played too close to an existing flame and rekindled their feelings for one another, but they each have current relationships to deal with. Jenny broke into the Upper East Side scene but she's going to have to learn what it takes to stay there.

And Chuck...well, he's still Chuck. But this is arguably the first episode where we get to really see a more well-rounded Chuck; we saw how his father treats him in "The Wild Brunch" and we saw him be a good friend to Nate in "Bad News Blair," but in "Victor/Victrola," all sides of the character Chuck becomes are on display, from the tender, sensitive underbelly tied to wanting his father's approval to his eye for good business — and, of course, the budding attraction to Blair.

Personally, I think the fact that the show starts getting really good with this development shows how much you do really need Chuck at the heart of the show, too, to say nothing of the Chuck-Blair romance. It's not that you don't get invested in the Dan-Serena relationship so much as it feels like its a given for them, versus the tension that exists between Chuck and Blair.

Regardless though, some of these episodes are my absolute all-time favorites and I cannot wait to talk about them.

Best Lines of the Episode:

Blair: “You want your dad to invest in a strip club. How Midtown.”

Bart: “What’s with the business formal? Are you being arraigned for something?”

Dan: “See, you curl your fingers into a fist, and with several thrusts of force, you knock on the door.”
Vanessa: “Hey, I didn’t use the fire escape. Baby steps! And what are you doing watching porn?” [ed note: Uh, duh?]
Dan: “It’s not porn, this is art cinema.”
Vanessa: “From what I saw earlier, you don’t need to be doing research.”
Dan: “I can’t talk about this with you.”
Vanessa: “I’m curious though, about the change in your attitude, because may I remind you that in your pale, romantic, tortured days, you’d wax on that — and I quote! — ‘Sex is meaningful, like art, and you don’t rush art.’”
Dan: “That was in 2005, I was more idealistic then, much younger. And there wasn’t an actual girl who wanted to have sex with me.”

Jenny: “Thanks for helping me out with the bracelet. I didn’t know a broken clasp could cost that much.”
Blair: “It was my pleasure. Oh, wait, no, it wasn’t.”

Lily: “Well, this is a new strain of obsessive-compulsive.”
Rufus: “The art piece projects up to the ceiling.”
Lily: “Still doing anything to get a girl on her back, huh?”

My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:

I know you're all expecting me to say the mint colored Marc by Marc Jacobs dress — the one Blair claims "would be very nice if I was sailing up on the Mayflower" which is just wrong — but actually, Blair's Philippe Adec blazer gets a slight edge up in terms of styling! I mean, this is a Hall of Fame Blair headband. I also love the really casual look she's wearing at home, with the cream cardigan layered over the plaid button down and navy polka dot skirt. These blink-and-you'll-miss it outfits! They kill me softly.

Final Stray Observations:

• A burlesque club! How 2007.

• I cannot say enough how much I love that Blair is the first person Chuck takes to Victrola. The show has done a decent job establishing that they share a kind of mutual respect, which shows here; Blair tells Chuck that she's proud (aw!) and he replies, "And you are my toughest critic — well, second toughest." We also get a glimpse of the coming dynamic between them when Blair says, "Don't be nervous! He's gonna love it."

• The Cap says, "I've landed the Waldorf account! And my son has landed the Waldorf." Jesus, dude. Gross. Also the obsession these adults have with their kids getting together is ridiculous in this episode.

• Making out at school before the bell even rings! Ah, to be young and horny again. They're right, though, there's nowhere good for teens to make out in New York City. That's the only explanation for the amount of them I see hooking up on the subway.

• The absolute cluelessness with which Nate moves through the world, from making the horrible "Oh, Serena, right?" joke at Jenny to immediately handing off the chocolates he bought for her to Blair (even though she prefers the Gold Collection, obviously): Classic dumb teen boy.

• Okay, well, with Bart and Lily hooking up in his office before noon, I guess Serena comes by her horniness naturally. And good for them!

• Chuck and Blair both get along so well because they want their parents' approval! They're both so desperate for it! Chuck will do anything to get Bart to Victrola! I love my demented little babies.

• "It's not very HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL scandalous," Blair says about the video of Serena and Dan making out at school, and wow, remember that mess?

• I don't really understand why, in this scene where Kati and Iz are judging Dan's sex skills, he has Kati holding her number upside down when literally just a few episodes ago she was essentially explaining quantum physics or whatever to one of the Ivy reps. She's smart! Is this meant to be a read on how Dan views these girls?

• Oh, big deal, Chuck, who can't tie a cherry stem with their tongue?!

• Eleanor brings up that she spoke with the Captain and Ann about the Vanderbilt ring — prompting Blair to say, "Nate spoke to his mother about our future? He actually asked for the family ring?" — and again I simply MUST point out that these children are 16 years-old!!!

• Serena tells Dan that only having twenty free minutes to hook up is plenty and oh honey no.

• Lily caring for drunk Chuck is very sweet; it turns out she does have a maternal bone in her body. It's nice set up for how their relationship will develop.

• Chuck's rant about his dad is a good summary of why he wants Bart's approval so much: Bart has given him everything, but also begrudges his son for not starting from scratch like he did, which is really gonna give a kid a complex.

• That being said, Lily telling him that "no good parent likes to see his child go without" implies Bart is...a good parent. Which he unquestionably is not.

• "I'm sure Serena knows what to do, what with her vast experiences" is some way harsh slut shaming from Vanessa! What did they teach you out in your parents' commune, ma'am?!

• The way Dan looks at Vanessa with his Paul Rudd in CLUELESS eyebrow lift when she gives him sex advice prefaced by "if it were me with you" is trouble!

• Blair has to begrudgingly tell Jenny that "game recognizes game" when it comes to her sneaking into the masked ball while Jenny still wears a question mark instead of an initial necklace - again, that's great attention to detail!

• Blair spits "How could you hurt me?" at Jenny right before she confesses Nate kissed her at the ball, which only shows Blair has a lot to learn about how much power Little J can accrue.

• Speaking of which, between Jenny and Nate, this is a big episode for people thinking that coming clean will help get them out of trouble. Not in this zip code, honey!

• Both Rufus and Vanessa tell Dan to lose the football sheets (which, why does Dan even have those when he does not seem remotely sporty but I digress) and Cedric, which only reminds me how astounded I am that the writers never put Vanessa and Rufus in some twisted love situation, but whatever!

• AGAIN, these people are being so weird about this engagement ring thing! A coked-up Cap forces Blair to try on Ann's ring and says, "Let's focus on our family's other joint venture — every time I look at Ann's finger and see Blair’s future engagement ring, I can hardly contain my joy." Hey, weirdos, they're teenagers.

• Bart walks around saying things about a burlesque like "I love the idea of being a patron of burgeoning talent," and he's surprised Chuck turned out the way he did?

• The way Nate immediately sells out the Captain to the cops, telling them to check his pockets, and then pays off the doorman to stay silent! I need to know why this man wasn’t mayor of New York City in the reboot because he is built for it.

• The absolute heartbreak of Blair telling Nate she thought she was doing everything right — you sweet bean! You'll never do anything right enough for Nate because he's a flake! Which I think she realizes, because when she gets to Victrola, she tells Chuck she feels relief about them possibly breaking up.

• This episode really captures what I love about the Chuck-Blair dynamic: He gets her to loosen up and let go of her perfectionism while she encourages him to be his best self and pursue business the way she knows he can. Beautiful!

• THAT BEING SAID: We do have a club full of people watching a 16 year old girl strip. So.... (and god knows I love Blair but no sweetheart, you do not "have moves.")

• Dan had a vinyl player back in 2007! True hipster status!

• Wait the Cap doesn't just have a coke problem because he's got a one MILLION dollar bail set for EMBEZZLEMENT AND FRAUD, BABY! Bring on that Great Recession LFG!

• Jenny, on some actually good advice from Vanessa ("Maybe you don't go back, maybe you go forward") hauls her tiny ass out to Hudson to get her mom to come home. I smell trouble....

• LIMO SEX!!!! [slams on the table] Limo sex! Limo sex!!! LIMO SEX!!!!! [clears throat calmly] And that's all I have to say about that.

And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:

Dan was actually pretty sweet this episode. I feel like I can't get him for much, considering he actually made Serena nervous because no one had ever looked like that before. That's nice! I can't dog on that!

That being said, the scene where he's imagining Nate and Serena banging on the bar at the Shepherd wedding — complete with the same music cue, which is genius — is kinda weird in the context of him being Gossip Girl. Like, thinking about Dan spending the last six months or so really ruminating over the specifics of this hook up when he probably got intel on it right after it happened...a little strange.

And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!

• Some of you may be here from my former newsletter (if so, hi! I missed you!); if that’s the case, these first several editions may feel familiar. I want to keep every episode recap in one place, so I will be bringing over previously-sent editions which cover episodes 1 through 9. Think of it as reruns to get you up-to-speed for the fresh editions, which will start with episode 10!

• For that reason, Lincoln Hawk Fan Club will be free for now. Beginning with episode 11, I will be experimenting with a paywall on every other episode recap. These recaps take a surprising amount of time and work, and your paid subscriptions are very much appreciated!

Subscribe now

• If you’re just here for fashion talk at Voted Most Talkative, you can opt out of Lincoln Hawk Fan Club by going here and turning off the corresponding toggle. (Similarly, you can opt out of VMT and only get LHFC!) But, I mean…who doesn’t love GOSSIP GIRL?!

• If you haven’t seen GOSSIP GIRL in full, and you don’t want to be spoiled, please know that Lincoln Hawk Fan Club is a spoiler-friendly zone for the entire series. You’ve been warned!

• And that’s it! You know you love me, etc, etc.

Well, I hope you enjoyed the last five episodes, because now Vanessa has arrived to ruin everything.

I'm kidding. Mostly. If you asked GOSSIP GIRL fans who their least favorite character is, I'd be willing to bet that Vanessa would top the final list. (At least, if we're only including main characters; that answer might change if we can include lesser characters.) Why? Well, Serena and Blair are our biggest protagonists, so obviously we need them to be likable; Chuck is...difficult to like, but on a clear redemptive arc; Dan, at least in the beginning, is meant to be the audience stand-in, someone on the outside of this world of wealth who is constantly flabbergasted by it; Jenny is a good girl at heart often corrupted by her need to fit in; and Nate is, well, a human golden retriever.

But Vanessa? Hoooo boy, all bets are off with Vanessa. Obviously, she comes in to be a foil to Serena, the girl Dan said he loved before she left town, breaking his heart, and considering how central the Dan-Serena love story is to the plot of season one, we don't start off on the right foot with V. Unfortunately, though, Vanessa is all of Dan's worst traits with almost none of his redeeming ones. Right off the bat, we see what a snob Vanessa is about the Upper East Side: She makes several cracks about Dan's rich and spoiled schoolmates, and vows she'll "deprogram" Jenny after sneaking her into the masquerade ball.

Vanessa can be judgmental and whiney, as Dan often is, but at least there's a modicum of self-awareness to Dan's complaints, and if you poke at them at all, his tend to fall apart while hers become stronger. She's got a ton of bluster but isn't terribly good at actually backing it up; when she helps Juliet take down Serena in season four, her response is to cut and run rather than stay and take responsibility for her actions.

And like other characters, we definitely do see a softer underbelly to Vanessa's bravado, but it never really works for her the same way. Like, it's kind of hard to feel sorry for her when her dress goes see-through at the Snowflake Ball because we know she hid Nate's letter to Jenny, and then wants to act self-righteous about the whole thing. No matter what bad thing Vanessa does, it's never as bad as what someone else did to her.

There's also the fact that she's often dressed in basically every late-aughts hipster cliché, but that worked for her character at the time, and also, I am clearly extremely biased.

Ultimately, I wouldn't call Vanessa a villain of the show, but she's definitely someone you don't root for much. There's a schadenfreude to watching Vanessa get screwed over; I'm not sure that's coded into the show, but she's one of the only characters who doesn't want in — or at least, who refuses to admit she wants in — and she's often punished for it. Worst of all, she's not even fun to hate, unlike someone like Georgina Sparks who is straight-up villainous.

Of course, it's also worth noting here that Jessica Szohr was a mixed-race actress (she said in a 2010 interview she's a quarter Black) on a show of near-exclusively white people, and some nastier corners of the fandom will have no doubt factored that in, whether consciously or not. (The gossip rags also alleged that Szohr cheated on Ed Westwick in 2010, who she'd been dating since 2008, and you can imagine how that went over with the Blair and Chuck sector of the fandom, specifically folks who aren't so good at separating fiction from reality. Parasocial relationships are a hell of a drug.)

All this to say, it's complicated! Vanessa is constantly on the outside and if we're meant to want to be on the inside, like Dan does, then we aren't going to want to be associated with her. That's some good character work at play!

Best Lines of the Episode:

Vanessa: “So this Blair girl used you as her slave.”
Jenny: “No, I was her handmaiden.”
Vanessa: “‘Handmaiden’ is Jane Austen for slave.”

Dan: “Would you excuse me, I just saw the last person I ever expected to see.”
Serena: “Yea, how could I say no to that?”

Dan: “Vanessa! Vanessa wait, please, why won’t you wait! Oh…because…you’re not Vanessa, I’m sorry. Case of mistaken identity! Ironically…not involving masks.”

My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:

Lily looks so good at Eleanor's party! I couldn't get a good shot of the strappy heels she's wearing with this look, but they're truly great. Very on-theme without being costume-y.

Final Stray Observations:

• Okay, this is what I was talking about last week: I thought "Dare Devil" ended with Blair and Jenny on at least somewhat equal footing, but now Blair is having Jenny serve as her servant? I guess if Dorota is busy helping Eleanor, someone has to do it.

• When the shopkeeper says "Why not show off my latest wares?" it definitely feels like an NPC in one of Sam's video games.

• Ah, the first appearance of Blair's velvet robe — this is gonna show up again on Chuck in a few seasons.

• Virginity as a prize? Virginity is a construct, Blair.

• It's funny to me that Dan would think the masked ball is pretentious when actually it would be extremely Truman Capote of him to show up.

• So, Vanessa's parents decided in...October? That she could finish high school in the city? What kind of hippie commune are they living on?

• I will give this show a LOT of leeway when it comes to characters getting in between boroughs in unreasonable time but I absoLUTEly need someone on this show to EXPLAIN TO ME in WHAT UNIVERSE Jenny would have gotten from WILLIAMSBURG, BROOKLYN to the UPPER EAST SIDE OF MANHATTAN in FEWER THAN FIVE MINUTES.

• Oh dear, the Captain is on coke! "Leftover from nights at Limelight or The Tunnel" is a great burn from Chuck.

• Eleanor's hookah is "adorable" and I think that about summarizes how rich white people think of other cultures, no?

• Blair changes her voicemail to be specifically about the masked ball. Is this a thing teenagers did, change voicemails to be specific to the moment? I was too mortified by the sound of my own voice.

• Okay, so this makes more sense: Blair is essentially hazing Jenny, but promises that "her time will come." I need to know who hazed Blair — I'd be willing to bet no one, but it does seem like there's a system.

• The adults on this show say the weirdest things to their teenagers, like Lily telling Serena that at her age, she should be playing the field — which is also crazy considering how much Lily complains about Serena being too wild.

• "richboyIV" is the funniest fucking screenname

• This whole scene where Nate just can not pick up on the painfully obvious cues that Serena does not want to do this with him is just...too real for a 16 year old boy.

• Rufus telling Vanessa that she broke Dan's heart when she left is some intense overstepping on his part. I'd kill my parents if they'd said something like that to someone.

• Jenny is incredibly casual about seeing Vanessa in her house for someone who's been gone for a year.

• Lily invited Rufus to Eleanor's party to connect him with rich people...smooth, Lily. Very smooth.

• LMAO hey it's "America's Next Top Model" season 7 winner CariDee English as Bart Bass's date, bringing you that CW programming synergy you crave!

• For all this talk about how no one is going to be recognized with their masks on, some characters are able to clock others right away. And then no one recognizes Jenny? What kind of SAILOR MOON hair blindness rules are we playing with here?

• Speaking of Jenny, that education from Blair took root fast because my girl is suddenly excellent at fucking with Chuck. Leaving him naked on the roof? Beautiful vengeance.

• 1) Why is there champagne at an explicitly high school party? and 2) I hope Jack Altman is okay, Dan could have at least put him in a cab.

• "Enough business talk, let's discuss our teenage children getting engaged one day!" Again, what are the adults on this show on? Other than coke, in the case of the Captain.

• Eleanor's face in the background after Rufus and Lily kiss is some great comedy I only just noticed, and I've seen this episode a dozen times.

• "Did you follow me here to prove I was lying?" Yikes, Dan, that's a bad look — and the "loved you - in the past" is a rough follow up.

• There's like, three separate conversations about the horrors of starched shirts in this episode, I need to know what the writers of GOSSIP GIRL have against starched shirts.

• "Beauty fades, but yours has done a remarkable job of holding on," is...a compliment? I think? I'm not sure how I'd feel about it were I on the receiving end but it works on Lily so I'll let it slide.

• Ooooopsie, Serena and Jenny swap clothes for paper-thin reasons, which leads to Nate telling Jenny he's in love with Serena! And then kissing her! Uh oh, this can't end well...

• UH OH, and a Cinderella glass slipper moment with the diamond bracelet? Jenny is in trouble.

• Also, what is the deal with Kati and Iz!!!! They both get in a limo with Serena's date, they were getting ready for school together a few episodes back, I'm about three seconds away from writing GOSSIP GIRL fanfic where they're girlfriends.

• DAMN, the Cap sold Nate out to avoid taking the hit for his drugs! Parents, amirite?

• Vanessa telling Dan that he's never done contrite well is the understatement of the year.

• Serena is, according to Dan, "pretty fantastic — almost as good as this pierogi." The men in this family sure do know how to compliment a woman.

And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:

Dan walks into his apartment after making plans with Vanessa and sees Gossip Girl open on...Jenny's computer? I assume? And decides to slam that ol' refresh button. Lo and behold, there's a new blast! That he would have sent out! And it is...truly sociopathic when you consider what it says:

Why is it that friends of Serena van der Woodsen have to search for her suitor? Have fables fallen so out of fashion that the Princesses have to do everything themselves? Call us old school, but sometimes the Fairy Tale ending requires the Knight to get off his ass and saddle up his steed.

And then...would you guess it, Dan makes a big, bold gesture and rents a tux! Based on the Gossip Girl blast he literally just sent out. Psycho!

Also, this doesn't count against Dan, but when Jenny tells Serena that he's never liked a girl like he likes her...yea, no kidding, considering he made an entire anonymous website dedicated to stalking her and her friends!

And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!

• Some of you may be here from my former newsletter (if so, hi! I missed you!); if that’s the case, these first several editions may feel familiar. I want to keep every episode recap in one place, so I will be bringing over previously-sent editions which cover episodes 1 through 9. Think of it as reruns to get you up-to-speed for the fresh editions, which will start with episode 10!

• For that reason, Lincoln Hawk Fan Club will be free for now. Beginning with episode 11, I will be experimenting with a paywall on every other episode recap. These recaps take a surprising amount of time and work, and your paid subscriptions are very much appreciated!

Subscribe now

• If you’re just here for fashion talk at Voted Most Talkative, you can opt out of Lincoln Hawk Fan Club by going here and turning off the corresponding toggle. (Similarly, you can opt out of VMT and only get LHFC!) But, I mean…who doesn’t love GOSSIP GIRL?!

• If you haven’t seen GOSSIP GIRL in full, and you don’t want to be spoiled, please know that Lincoln Hawk Fan Club is a spoiler-friendly zone for the entire series. You’ve been warned!

• And that’s it! You know you love me, etc, etc.

It has been a rule pretty much since the dawn of time (or, okay, television) that screenwriters must make sure to include plot lines involving the adults or the parents into any teen-oriented TV show. Well, maybe that's not true, but it's definitely a hallmark of the Schwartz-Savage programming that dominated the aughts. But if THE O.C. had Sandy, Kirsten, Julie and Jimmy, GOSSIP GIRL improved upon the formula with Rufus and Lily.

Through the show's early episodes, we learn that Rufus and Lily once operated as a kind of Dan-Serena parallel of the '90s, with the two conducting a love affair that pre-dates Lily's current life as the ex-wife of multiple millionaires. Rufus was the lead singer of Lincoln Hawk, which, judging from jokes made about other lead singers Lily supposedly slept with, is meant to sit in the same space as grunge/rock bands like Nine Inch Nails and Jane's Addiction. Lily was a rich kid in a rebellious phase who turned back to her wealthy roots for reasons not made completely clear. (And we'll get there, don't you worry.)

More important than their shared past, however, is the implication that they still very much have chemistry together, as well as unresolved feelings for one another. Especially in season one, Rufus and Lily spark off of each other in really fun and quippy dialogue, the kinds of burns you can only get in on someone you know very well. That relationship becomes central to this episode, the fifth of the season.

(Which, by the way, I think episodes four, five and six can present kind of a lull if you're just getting into the show; we did all our initial attention-grabbing explosive conflict reveals and resolutions in the first three episodes, and now we're going deeper with characters to build more tension later and lay down groundwork for the rest of the season, which is important, but can mean these episodes don't feel as exciting as the ones that came before or that will come after.)

Rufus still clearly carries a big chip on his shoulder about Lily's wealth and privilege which, imo, doesn't bode particularly well for our girl Serena. Apples, trees, etc, you know. Of course, Lily doesn't exactly help that by making constant cracks about Rufus's lack of success and life of struggle in [checks notes] Williamsburg, Brooklyn circa 2007 a.k.a. basically the cultural center of New York City in the mid-aughts but okay.

But Rufus, like Dan, either fails to realize or actively chooses to be ignorant to the fact that rich people have real problems, too, and like Dan, Rufus gets a big ol' wakeup call in the form of Eric's suicide attempt. When Lily rushes over to try and get Dan's cell number, they end up making dinner together, and over their meal prep, she comes clean about the reason she's so frantic to find him. That softens Rufus — how could it not? — and you can feel some of the ice melt between them.

In a lot of exchanges between Lily and Rufus, they drop details that reveal a level of shared intimacy and familiarity; here, for example, Lily tells Rufus that she'll "pass on that bottle of non-premium liquor you're drinking" but says she's hungry, teasing, "You can still cook, right?" and fussing with his pasta sauce recipe. And later in the episode, we see just how familiar Rufus and Lily have been when his wife, Alison, instantly recognizes Lily's voice on the phone.

We get the best look into what their relationship was, however, while Lily reminisces over a photo of Rufus hanging in his apartment that she took. They squabble over whether Lily was even there or not, to which she responds with the song list from the evening; the first was about her, the second about his motorcycle, and the third was about Sayulita, a surf town where apparently the two of them had some particularly memorable sex. Lily says she even remembers the black dress she wore, to which Rufus says, "Really? I think it might have actually been blue," showing that he, too, remembers that she was there — even if he doesn't want her to know that, even if he doesn't want to remember himself.

When it's at its best, I do very much love the Rufus-Lily dynamic. When it's at its worst — or, more accurately, when it's been wrung out for all its worth — I find it exhausting. The stakes don't feel as high for adults on this show, mainly because they so often serve as B- or C- plots, but there's something about the idea that these two crazy kids could find their way back to each other that is very endearing. Where we are with them this moment in the show, though? It's perfect. So enjoy it while you still can.

Best Lines of the Episode:

Blair: “I’m not a stop along the way, I’m a destination.”

Rufus: “This better not be my wife.”
Lily: “Rufus, do you always answer the phone like that?!”

Rufus: “Hey, I was ju-
Lily: “So I made some calls, but as it turns out, none of my people know your people — shocking, but true! — and either Dan Humphrey is an alias or your son is not very popular. Regardless, I need that number.”

My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:

It can only be the 3.1 Phillip Lim dress Blair wears this episode. With glittery platform sandals and a red coat? Perfection.

Final Stray Observations:

• Blair's sleepover has been a tradition since 2000, which, if my math is correct, would mean she started at her 10th birthday? Which begs the question: If Gossip Girl's end-of-episode voiceover is right, and the UES hasn't seen a sleepover debut of Jenny's quality since Blair herself, what did B do at age 10 to impress?!

• Dan having a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle piggy bank makes a lot more sense to me than Cedric the Cabbage Patch kid, but I love the Cedric jokes so I'll allow it.

• "This is Serena van der Woodsen, you can’t just take her to a movie" except that, didn't you literally just invite her to do that for a date last episode, Dan?

• I have...questions about the clown with a llama from Alison's 30th birthday.

• Speaking of pre-existing dates, why all the confusion from both Serena and Blair about S being double-booked the night of her sleepover? Didn't Blair "agree to those terms" when Dan asked Serena on another date on Friday at 8 PM, telling him he couldn't wear those shoes or that hair?

• And speaking of things people should be banned from wearing on dates, this extremely long, absurdly skinny scarf Serena is wearing has got to go.

• It's a nice detail that Lily also goes shopping when she's stressed, just like Serena did in the first episode!

• Also a nice detail is that Lily wouldn't let Serena get a drivers' license because "that's what drivers are for." God bless rich people.

• Dorota is so nice to Jenny. I love Dorota.

• This Jenny makeover scene...I know they were working from racks pulled for other people, but if Blair wanted a clone, why have her try on the "too Beyoncé/Mary Kate/Hannah Montana" outfits to begin with?

• However, giving her an Alex Woo initial necklace with just a question mark — that's excellent attention to detail.

• Do I drink gin martinis because Blair Waldorf said that's what they should be? Now that's one secret I'll never tell.

• Blair's disappointment at Jenny chickening out of "dare" after seeing Kati and Iz make out is palpable and I'm adding it to my pile of evidence that Blair is bi.

• This scene where Blair pretends to have a prescription drug problem to jailbreak Eric from the Ostroff Center is really fun and I don't think Leighton Meester gets enough credit for her comedic acting.

• I understand this is a plot device and I love a good bag swap incident as much as the next girl, but even in 2007, I don't believe a teenager would've left the house without making sure she had her cell phone on her.

• "I dare you to make out with that guy — and mean it" is the most teenage thing anyone on this show has said.

• How does Lily know where Rufus lives if she couldn't find anyone with Dan's cell phone?

• God, no wonder Visconti closed down, it let in a literal parade of teenagers.

• When Eric walks up after a fist fight almost breaks out over an adult man making out with Blair and says, "Hey Serena, I told you everything was okay," that's A-plus comedy writing and delivery right there.

• I miss this moment of Lily's style where she was going for a much more laid-back rich lady situation with expensive denim and basic tees with an Hermès bag. (Fun fact: The Hermès bags Lily carries in the show belonged to actress Kelly Rutherford! She loves the brand so much she named her son after it.)

• It is...extremely rich of Serena to lecture Eric about getting into trouble.

• "I know who Blair and those girls are, but I know who I am and I’m not gonna forget that just ‘cause I hang out with them." Oh Jenny, you beautiful fool.

• Between "This is perfect: You want in, and he wants out" and "It's just a shame, 'cause you've come so far," Blair is incredible at peer pressure.

• Okay, so let me get this right: Dan takes Serena to a French restaurant on the Upper East Side, then down to a pool hall in (presumably) Dumbo, then up to Visconti in midtown, then to the Upper East Side to take Eric back to the Ostroff Center, then to...Meatpacking? To make out? The subway travel time alone...the mind reels.

• We're finally hearing a Lincoln Hawk song! I think. It's actually "Something Like That" from the band Tim, but it plays over a montage that includes Rufus putting on his own band's vinyl (complete with parental advisory sticker! What a bad boy!) so I feel we're meant to think it's from Lincoln Hawk.

• First of all, the swiftness with which Jenny came up with that lie for the police, phew! Second, telling Blair she was going to go home is an incredible power move. But I am a little confused, because their exchange at the end — "Monday? Lunch on the steps?" "Done and done." — definitely does feel like they've hit equal ground....but more on that next week, I suppose.

And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:

Dan actually isn't too bad in this episode, except for two points: The first is that if Dan has been following Serena for years, he should know that she doesn't frequent the kind of hoity-toity restaurants he booked for their date. It makes no sense! Neither the Serena of old or new would be caught dead in such an uptight spot.

The second, and more egregious, is him lecturing Jenny about wanting to be a part of this world. Um, hello, you're the one running an entire anonymous blog about these people! Serena correctly and gently points out that, had Dan made "half the effort" that Jenny did at the sleepover, maybe they'd run in the same circles by now. Instead, Dan, what you did is start an anonymous blog ripping all these people apart. Psycho!

And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!

• Some of you may be here from my former newsletter (if so, hi! I missed you!); if that’s the case, these first several editions may feel familiar. I want to keep every episode recap in one place, so I will be bringing over previously-sent editions which cover episodes 1 through 9. Think of it as reruns to get you up-to-speed for the fresh editions, which will start with episode 10!

• For that reason, Lincoln Hawk Fan Club will be free for now. I will give ample notice should that change. That being said, these recaps take a surprising amount of time and work, and your paid subscriptions are very much appreciated!

Subscribe now

• If you’re just here for fashion talk at Voted Most Talkative, you can opt out of Lincoln Hawk Fan Club by going here and turning off the corresponding toggle. (Similarly, you can opt out of VMT and only get LHFC!) But, I mean…who doesn’t love GOSSIP GIRL?!

• If you haven’t seen GOSSIP GIRL in full, and you don’t want to be spoiled, please know that Lincoln Hawk Fan Club is a spoiler-friendly zone for the entire series. You’ve been warned!

• And that’s it! You know you love me, etc, etc.

If you have followed me longer than, oh, say, one day on literally any social media network, it should come as no surprise to you that I am a huge Blair Waldorf fan. I'd like to think it's obvious why she's my favorite, because, to me, it's pretty clear she's the best character on the show. (Something I believe the writers realize by season two, when, in my opinion, she becomes the driving force of the series).

In case it's not, or you have other biases — which you are completely entitled to! — we've reached the perfect point in the series to discuss the complexities of Blair Waldorf, which is the fourth episode of the debut season, "Bad News Blair." As the title implies, she's the central focus of the plot here and the writers do a lot to establish why Blair is the way that she is; like Rufus says towards the middle of the episode, "Usually there's something beneath the surface of people like that that makes them act the way they do."

We meet what's beneath Blair's surface almost immediately into the episode: A deep, profound insecurity, particularly strong when it comes to her friendship with Serena, rooted in her relationship with her narcissistic mother. Eleanor doesn't even call her daughter to tell her that she's coming home from Paris early, and within minutes, she scolds her for interrupting when Serena spoke first and directs her to eat a low-fat yogurt instead of the same croissant Serena is currently enjoying. I mean, how heartbreaking is it when she tells her mom, "I lost two pounds while you were away!" and her mom chirps in approval?

Blair is beautiful and smart but, as the photographer later says, "unapproachable, controlled, perfect [....] Your girl is rigid, like a twig. She’s afraid to let you in." She is a Type A personality, always completely dressed down to the details (the omnipresent headband that Eric Daman once told me operated like "her force field") and terrified of being even slightly out of control.

This perfectionist streak clearly comes from having an image-obsessed mother, who from the first episode is established as nit-picking every single thing she can about her daughter's appearance, from properly fitting the right dress to caring for dry hair ends. Eleanor has thoroughly fucked up Blair in ways the show really only ever skirts past, and she's not even able to take responsibility for her actions, blaming "that fool of a photographer" for the change in models. Still, a 16 year-old girl would obviously be desperate for her mother's approval; when Serena tries to bail on the test shoot, Blair tells her that she has to stay because "I can’t let my mother down." When Eleanor tucks Blair in and tells her that she looked beautiful at the shoot, Blair gazes up at her with these big puppy eyes and says, "Really?!" in a tone of disbelief that just breaks the heart.

Her friendship with Serena works so well because Serena is, again quoting the photographer, "warm like sunshine, fun"; in the scene where Serena helps her at the test shoot, we see how S is able to get B to loosen up and let go of that hyper-controlled image. But that same quality is also what makes Blair so jealous of Serena that her stress dreams center around S taking over her dream life.

Throughout the series, and especially in the first season, the show establishes that Serena is someone for whom things always come easily. "Oh God, I forgot what it was like to be with you," Blair moans as they walk through NoLita and Serena turns heads; later, at the photoshoot, Eleanor will tell Serena that part of her charm is how she's always loved the spotlight, though it's more fair perhaps to say that Serena has always attracted the spotlight, whether she likes it or not. Worse, Serena is more or less clueless to the ease with which she moves through the world, which is all the more infuriating to Blair. When Serena asks what motivation she'd have to take the photoshoot from Blair, she screams, "Because you take everything from me! Nate, my mom — you can’t even help it. It’s who you are."

This witty, bitchy girl is actually so soft on the inside, waiting for anyone to love her unconditionally, to choose her first. Her mom sucks, her dad left for France to be with his boyfriend, Nate cheated on her with Serena — no wonder she feels so vulnerable all the time. This is part of what makes her relationship with Chuck work, that the rakish boy chooses her first and above anyone else. (It's also what makes his betrayals so hard to stomach.)

When Dan sits down with her, she hits him with a great line — "Normally I wouldn’t be this close to you without a tetanus shot" — but her heart isn't in it, and as she listens to Dan try to empathize with her, she softens to him. Not much! But it's something, to let someone in and let them see her as she really is: Hurt, sad, insecure.

I love her! And sure, a lot of that comes down to relating to her on several levels — an insecure, blustery, type-A control freak? Hi, it's me! — but I also think it makes her a very real character. It gives Blair much more runway for growth and development over the course of the series that's fun to watch.

And, okay, I also think she has the best wardrobe.

Best Lines of the Episode:

Blair: “That was disgusting. The DOH should shut them down.”
Serena: “The bathroom?”
Blair: “No, the people. It’s called NoLita, not No Showers. [looks at Dan] What are you doing here? Do I smell…pork? And…cheese? [looks at Serena] Okay, well when you’re done with your charity work, come find me. I’ll be at Tory Burch looking at…ponchos?”

Carter: “Exactly. In the real world, the only thing that matters is who you are, not what you own.”
Chuck: “As much as I love this speech about not needing material things from a guy who has that much product in his hair, this part is about excess, not exposition.”

Dan: “Well, she’s best friends with this girl, Blair Waldorf, who is basically everything I hate about the Upper East Side distilled into one 95-pound, doe-eyed, bon-mot-tossing, label-whoring package of girly evil.”
Rufus: “No one’s that bad.”
Dan: “She is. I would barely be exaggerating if I told you Medusa wants her withering glare back.”

My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:

This is hard — like, really, really hard. It's an incredibly strong Blair episode — the pinwheel Milly! The cream dress she wears lounging around her apartment! — not to mention Serena's gorgeous Vena Cava dress and all the stunning Lorick looks. But ultimately, the one I think holds up the best is this green Catherine Malandrino dress with the red t-strap kitten heels and those curls. Perfection.

Final Stray Observations:

• Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first Audrey Hepburn dream sequence, this one referencing BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S. It's a very nice touch to have Serena wearing the outfit Blair was wearing when we first met her.

• New Eleanor has arrived! Much, much better casting, imo.

• All the Eleanor Waldorf designs you see this season are by a real designer, Abigail Lorick! She loaned her label, Lorick, to stand in for Waldorf originals, and you can also spot her as an extra in the photoshoot scenes. These days, she has a surf brand called Ansea.

• "Until I say so, the only girls you talk to are the ones I paid for" is another gross line from season one Chuck Bass.

• Sebastian Stan has arrived as Carter Baizen! Who would've guessed back in 2007 that he'd be the cornerstone of a Marvel franchise? This is the first of many great cameo actors in the show, and also, I really do love Carter.

• "Call me sometime so we can get together and do that thing you didn’t ask me to do." Smooth, Serena!!

• "Once you turn away from money you see it doesn’t buy you freedom, it pays for your prison" is the moment everyone should’ve known Carter is full of shit.

• There are some bad, very 2007 throwaway lines about models in this episode, but I cringe every time I hear, "This one missed the cue at the Chloé show because she was throwing up a pear." Yikes.

• I have some questions about the timeline of Eleanor's career: She says Blair was her first dress form, but that would've made her a baby, which makes no sense — UNLESS Eleanor only just recently launched her line, in which case, where did she get her money? Is she a socialite-turned-designer? The whole fuss over the Bendel's deal would make way more sense if she was a newer label. I'd love to know more details on this.

• RIP the Sunshine Theatre, a New York City landmark gone too soon.

• Why are the boys playing basketball all the way down at Chrystie and Houston? Are there no basketball courts between the Upper East Side and NoLita? I assume filming schedules has to do with why everyone is in NoLita this episode.

• "Few firsts are left for me” elaborate or stfu Rufus!!!

• Bex hands over her card with a smooth "If the trains ever stop running," and I gotta say, this is a great episode for pick up lines.

• Nate delivers a very petulant "You don't really get me, do you?!" and Chuck responds with an extremely astute read on him: “That dream of yours, what is it, really? ‘Cause I hear you talk about how you don’t wanna go to Dartmouth and how you don’t wanna follow in your father’s footsteps, but what exactly do you want?”

• "Hey S... alright, I hope you’re not already there because as it turns out, my modeling career is over faster than Jessica Simpson’s acting one." Damn, what did Jessica Simpson do to the writers of GOSSIP GIRL?!

• Carter says "Up until now it’s been cards, but from now on its an adventure,” and god, Nate is dumb not to realize he's being played like a fiddle. It takes him so damn long to understand he'd been set up!

• I do love that Chuck shows up and bails Nate out by telling Carter he can keep the Piaget and the Babe Ruth called shot. I think the show does a decent job establishing that underneath all his bluster, Chuck is a very loyal friend.

• "You didn’t hear it from us, but in every girl’s life there comes a moment when she realizes that her mother just might be more messed up than she is," is a Gossip Girl line that genuinely shifted my perspective on life at age 21.

• I can't believe Blair and Serena invented being Instagram influencers!!!!!

And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:

Towards the middle of the episode, after Serena is a no-show at the Sunshine, Dan laments to his father that he's not sure if Serena is "worth it" and wonders what it says about her that she could be best friends with someone like Blair Waldorf. Bro. How is any of this a revelation to you when you have literally been running an entire anonymous website about the kind of person Serena is? Also, worth what, Dan? Dating? Or, just to reiterate, running an entire anonymous website dedicated to ruining her life? Psycho!

There's also this exchange which I happen to think is a childish little tantrum regardless of whether he's Gossip Girl or not:

"It’s just, uh, I thought you wanted to be on the sidelines here. I thought you wanted to be here for your friend, Blair. You know, we were gonna get craft service, and I’d have your full attention?"

"Say it."

"I don’t think I have to."

[whiny, mimicky voice] "I don't think I have to." Asshole.

I will say, to his credit, I'm very endeared by his pep talk with Blair about wanting to yell at his own mom and never having the guts to do so. I quite like the dynamic of their relationship over the course of the series and this establishes that they might actually have much more in common than they think. No, I promise I'm not going to talk about Dair this early in the series!!!

And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!

• Some of you may be here from my former newsletter (if so, hi! I missed you!); if that’s the case, these first several editions may feel familiar. I want to keep every episode recap in one place, so I will be bringing over previously-sent editions which cover episodes 1 through 9. Think of it as reruns to get you up-to-speed for the fresh editions, which will start with episode 10!

• For that reason, Lincoln Hawk Fan Club will be free for now. I will give ample notice should that change. That being said, these recaps take a surprising amount of time and work, and your paid subscriptions are very much appreciated!

Subscribe now

• If you’re just here for fashion talk at Voted Most Talkative, you can opt out of Lincoln Hawk Fan Club by going here and turning off the corresponding toggle. (Similarly, you can opt out of VMT and only get LHFC!) But, I mean…who doesn’t love GOSSIP GIRL?!

• If you haven’t seen GOSSIP GIRL in full, and you don’t want to be spoiled, please know that Lincoln Hawk Fan Club is a spoiler-friendly zone for the entire series. You’ve been warned!

• And that’s it! You know you love me, etc, etc.

A few years ago, a TikTok went viral discussing the salary Kristen Bell received for playing the role of Gossip Girl: reportedly a cool $125k per episode, or $15,125,000 for 121 episodes. Obviously, worth every penny—and frankly, probably even more than that—for her voiceover work, considering that Bell brings the anonymous blogger to life with all the verve and wit necessary to give some stakes to the world of teenage hijinks.

But when are the contents of a Gossip Girl voiceover known by the characters and when is it just a narrative tool for the viewer? The show definitely plays with this line a bit, and I'm not sure it's ever explicitly made clear. My personal rule for the sake of this newsletter is that unless the characters are looking at a blast or talking about having seen something on Gossip Girl, any Bell-narrated bits of information are for the benefit of the viewer and not an official Gossip Girl tip that the characters would know. I don't think that is a hard and fast policy, but it feels like a safe one in the context clues provided by the show.

Is it even necessary to have a Gossip Girl narration, though? It's not as though the viewer needs to hear something like, "Honesty may be the best policy in some zip codes—but not in this one, and not this week. ‘Cause ‘I was a teenage drug addict’ is not exactly a winning college essay,” when you've literally just watched Serena's life theoretically implode in front of your own eyes, even if it is a great line. Most shows on television clearly get away without having an anonymous and snarky narrator, which makes most of Bell's voiceovers borderline superfluous.

They still serve a purpose, though, and that's to underline that there is always someone watching these events unfold. Even when Bell's voiceovers aren't directly taken from a blast, the implication is that Gossip Girl knows what's happening at all times, whether because someone involved is sending her a tip or because someone in the room actually is Gossip Girl. More importantly, these voiceovers show that there's always someone narrativizing the events happening in the characters' lives. Gossip Girl is hardly an unbiased and reliable narrator; a scandal isn't a scandal until GG puts her spin on it.

For example, at the end of the episode, Gossip Girl says, "Spotted in Central Park: two white flags waving. Could an Upper East Side peace accord be far off? So what will it be? Truce or Consequences? We all know one nation can’t have two queens. What happens next? Only time will tell." We just ended the episode with Serena and Blair at an impasse, so she's partially right. But the "one nation can't have two queens" bit certainly implies that both S and B want power and one will have to concede when that isn't necessarily the case in a real-life friendship. And how would Gossip Girl know about this at all? It's pouring rain, and Bethesda Terrace is empty. (Which, unless Serena was there reading at like, 6 AM, I find extremely unlikely, even with the inclement weather. Tourists love that spot!)

It's not like we need Gossip Girl to ramp up the drama—the plot does a good enough job on its own—but the show is definitely better for Bell's participation, if for no other reason but the escalation in ridiculous lines and puns as the show goes on. God, they really do get so absurd. I can't wait to get into it.

Best Lines of the Episode:

Blair: “Oh, too bad you missed the assembly. Not that it matters. Brown doesn’t offer degrees in slut.”

Dan: “It really comes down to one thing: Dartmouth is my dream. And I’ve never asked Dartmouth, but I think it’s been dreaming of me. …. That was a joke—or, an attempt at one. Next question?”

Dan: “They gave it to Nate Archibald! Ugh. Last year, I believe he had an original thought. It died of loneliness.” 

Blair: “If you weren’t such a perv, I’m sure the CIA would hire you in a second.” 
Chuck: “Defending my country. Now there’s a future I never imagined.”
Blair: “With good reason. What is she doing there?”
Chuck: “What’s anyone doing there? It’s a facility for the disturbed or addicted.”
Blair: “You must have your own wing.”
Chuck: “You don’t get nearly enough credit for your wit.”

Jenny: “Wait, so who’s the entertainment?”
Rufus: “Since it was such short notice, the only person I could get was…myself.”
Dan: “Kind of a staid affair for early ’90s post-punk math rock, don’t you think?”

Blair: “It’s because of their excellent program which aids so many young addicts and alcoholics that a student here with us today is clean and sober…at least, for now. Can I please have Serena van der Woodsen join me on stage?”

My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:

There's absolutely no question on this one: It's the Vena Cava dress Serena wears to the Ivy mixer. The Chanel headscarf really seals the deal here.

Final Stray Observations:

• We'll get to this eventually, but how insanely pissed do you think the writers of this show were in seasons four and five that they used the "Poison Ivy" title this early in the game?

• This Constance Billard a cappella group take on Fergie's hit single "Glamorous" is obviously one of the more iconic moments of the first season. It did seem a bit random, though—until one Twitter user posted what appears to be a rough cut of a cast intro featuring the song. I'm not totally convinced it was going to be the show's opening credits (I think it was probably for upfronts or something), but it does make this scene make more sense.

• Do Kati and Iz live together? Why are they getting ready for school together when everyone else is solo? What is the story here?

• I assume Ivy Week is a real thing for rich kids, but I went to public school in Florida so I'll never know for sure.

• "College is about academic excellence, not your stock portfolio." Oh, Rufus. Sweet, dumb Rufus.

• When Jenny taunts Dan about there being a spotlight, she does a very weird, borderline-appropriative accent and I need to understand that acting choice on Taylor Momsen's part.

• There is an alternate timeline where Nate goes to USC and Serena moves out to Los Angeles to open a juice bar or GOOP blog or whatever and they live happily ever after. I want that for them.

• Lily advises her daughter to take a cab to school instead of walking during rush hour because it's "faster," which is just insanely wrong. The Palace is right by the 4/6 line, which is obviously the quickest way to get uptown, even if it will be completely packed with plebes. Come on.

• I consulted with my former colleague Ana, who went to Brown, and she informed me that because Brown offers independent study degrees where you can essentially make up your own major, Brown very well could offer degrees in slut. The more you know.

• I once decided that Blair is bisexual and her getting physically aggressive with Serena during field hockey practice is going in my evidence pile.

• This episode is also the first appearance of the "I'm Chuck Bass" line.

• Blair is reading InStyle while sitting on the couch. No disrespect intended to InStyle, because I loved that publication, but there is absolutely no way.

• God, remember Feist?

• Jenny arrives in her Waldorf original! That's a brilliant costume touch.

• Fun Fact: "Donald Ostroff" is named after Dawn Ostroff, the former president of entertainment at the CW who helped develop GOSSIP GIRL. She went on to co-found Condé Nast Entertainment.

• I'm sorry, how psychotic is it for Blair to smile at Lily after eviscerating Serena in front of every Ivy League rep, parent, and teacher on the Upper East Side?

• Both Blair and Serena walked to the middle of Central Park in the rain while wearing heels? As someone who once did that, I cannot recommend it.

And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:

As discussed, there was no official Gossip Girl blast this episode, but Dan is still running his campaign to gaslight Serena. He nails her for her privilege pretty much every chance he gets (while simultaneously managing to cut Nate some breaks and show him some begrudging kindness? Sexist much?) right up until the final moments of the episode, after Jenny tells him about Eric being the one at the Ostroff Center, when he decides to cut her some slack since—quelle surprise!—she actually has real life struggles! "Obviously, I don't know anything about your life," Dan says straight-faced to the woman he has spent nearly two years tormenting by documenting her every horrible mistake and secret on a website blasted out to all their peers. Also, at one point, Serena gently teases him for being angry and he says, "Short fuse, I’m trying to work on that." Psycho!

Now, to be fair to Dan, I will also point out that he does do something very good here. He has all the information he needs about Eric and he doesn't post a single thing about it on Gossip Girl, respecting Eric's mental health and privacy. "No one will ever hear it from me," he promises Serena, which I think is nice. That's one hell of a tip to pass up when you're running a gossip website!

And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!

• Some of you may be here from my former newsletter (if so, hi! I missed you!); if that’s the case, these first several editions may feel familiar. I want to keep every episode recap in one place, so I will be bringing over previously-sent editions which cover episodes 1 through 9. Think of it as reruns to get you up-to-speed for the fresh editions, which will start with episode 10!

• For that reason, Lincoln Hawk Fan Club will be free for now. I will give ample notice should that change. That being said, these recaps take a surprising amount of time and work, and your paid subscriptions are very much appreciated!

Subscribe now

• If you’re just here for fashion talk at Voted Most Talkative, you can opt out of Lincoln Hawk Fan Club by going here and turning off the corresponding toggle. (Similarly, you can opt out of VMT and only get LHFC!) But, I mean…who doesn’t love GOSSIP GIRL?!

• If you haven’t seen GOSSIP GIRL in full, and you don’t want to be spoiled, please know that Lincoln Hawk Fan Club is a spoiler-friendly zone for the entire series. You’ve been warned!

• And that’s it! You know you love me, etc, etc.

Last week, when outlining how the pilot episode set up each of our main characters, I summarized Chuck as being "a complete asshole." I didn't get into it because I wanted to just chat about the start of the series, but I don't think we can go further into GOSSIP GIRL without discussing The Chuck Bass Problem. (Please note a CW: sexual assault for this issue.)

Right off the bat, in the very first episode of the series, Chuck sexually assaults two out of the main three female characters: First Serena in the Palace's kitchen, then Jenny on the roof of the Kiss on the Lips party. That's...really bad! And in case there was any ambiguity, in episode two, "The Wild Brunch," we get a number of lines backing up the concept that Chuck is, as I said, a complete asshole. When sending Blair up to his suite to have sex with Nate, he tells her he's "honored to be playing even a small role in [her] deflowering." (Gross, but nice foreshadowing!) Late in the episode, he taunts Dan by implying he has "unfinished business" with Jenny, and when Dan gets in his face, he replies, "Poor Daniel, so little time, so many sluts to defend." Yikes. But the worst, of course, is when Blair tells Jenny that Chuck isn't talking about her yet because, "Chuck likes to brag about his conquests, not his victims."

Yiiiiiiiiikes!

Of course, I do want to acknowledge that this was filmed in 2007, a solid decade before the #MeToo movement changed much about how the entertainment world operated (on a surface level, at least, I certainly wouldn't claim that it ended abuse overnight or even at all in many cases); up through at least the mid-teens, it was not only acceptable but popular to use sexual assault as a plot device to advance character development with no real responsible follow-through or repercussions. (Looking at you, GAME OF THRONES!)

Watching this show as it aired, the impression I had of Chuck was, "Ugh, this guy is kind of a creep," and not "Holy shit, this guy is straight up a sexual predator!" I think that context does matter here, because I don't think you could get away with redeeming Chuck's character after this today when you absolutely could back in 2007.

And the show very much does set about attempting to redeem Chuck not long after this. It's pretty clear that at the beginning, Chuck was intended to be a more or less straightforward villain, the absolute worst of what an entitled rich kid in Manhattan could be. He goes to bed with his father's employees, pushes himself on girls who explicitly tell him no, makes classist cracks about those not in his social sphere, refuses to take his education even remotely seriously and generally just takes anything he feels his inherited wealth entitles him to have with no sense of gratitude or humility. In other words: A complete asshole!

What I think the writers did not anticipate at the very beginning was the level of chemistry between Ed Westwick, who plays Chuck, and Leighton Meester, who plays Blair. Whenever the two are on screen together, they crackle. They make evil plotting seem fun; it's a very CRUEL INTENTIONS dynamic at the beginning — minus that whole stepsibling thing — with two people who seemingly get off on causing social destruction and who mutually admire each other's ability to behave in reprehensible ways.

By season two, though, Chuck and Blair's will-they-won't-they dynamic becomes the central heartbeat of the show and the pair were fan favorites. GOSSIP GIRL is tasked with making up for Season One Chuck; in "Seder Anything," he apologizes to Jenny and promises her he'll clear out if the Humphreys ever moved in, and in "You've Got Yale!" he stops his Uncle Jack from sexually assaulting Lily. (Again with the sexual assault plot lines.) In season four, Chuck apologizes to Rufus for the way he has treated Jenny and Lily vouches that he's a changed man.

The problem is that the show makes it so hard to root for Chuck even beyond the first season. He trades Blair to his uncle for a hotel in season three, which is so gross, and when they break up, he ends up taking Jenny's virginity in the season finale. In season four, he reacts to Blair's engagement by telling her that she belongs to him and putting his fist through a window pane. In many ways, I find that last one to be much more disturbing than the sexual assault, because it implies a very sinister underbelly to his feelings for Blair and veers into an abusive territory that the show never really resolves.

Ultimately, I land where the show tells me to, which is to say that I believe that it is possible for Chuck Bass to become a better person and I do believe Chuck and Blair are endgame for each other. Lazy plot devices used to establish his "dark side" aside, I think the writers are successful in making him one of the more complex and interesting characters on the show; I root for Chuck, as hard as GOSSIP GIRL makes it sometimes, because overall I think the work they put in to making him more likable and human pays off.

But I definitely don't begrudge anyone who feels differently! If I were coming to GG in 2023, it's entirely possible I'd desperately wish for Chuck to fall down a very long well so we could be done with him entirely. Spoiler alert: He won't.

Best Lines of the Episode:

Dan: “She probably won’t be there long, right?”
Dexter: “Once she went out and didn’t come back for six months, but feel free to sit.”

Dan: “It’s nice to see you again Mrs. van der Woodsen, I hope you’ve had a pleasant, uh, 21 hours, since I last saw you.”
Lily: “Yes, it has been very pleasant. Until now.”

Blair: “I must’ve totally blanked on the part where I invited you over.”

Lily: “Just coffee, I’m not staying long, I’d like to get out of here before someone throws me down and tattoos me.”
Rufus: “This is Brooklyn, Lil, not the Warped Tour. And don’t tell me you had all your tattoos removed — even that one, that little heart shaped one between your-”
Lily: “Don’t try and be cute, okay, those days are behind you.”
Rufus: “And here I thought I was getting better looking every day.”

Lily: “Oh, well, I know what you’re implying.”
Rufus: “Admit it, you’re falling for me again.”
Lily: “You’re right, you’re right, it’s the low-income tax bracket, the bad v-neck t-shirts, the awful jokes — I don’t know why your wife left you.”
Rufus: “Well, she’s got better taste than you.”

Chuck: “What are you doing here?”
Dan: “Why, what is this, your hotel?”
Nate: “Actually, it is.”
Chuck: “Yea, so unless you have a reason to be here, I’ll have to ask you to wait on the curb with the rest of the trash.”
Dan: “Trash?! Look man, I live in Brooklyn, alright, not the Ozarks — no offense to the Ozarks.”

Lily: “Tell your harem of shop girls and models that you’re seeing someone.”
Bart: “I am, but those conversations take a little time.”
Lily: “Well they’ve got nothing but time, Bart, they’re 25.”

Blair: “She was waiting in a hotel room. For my boyfriend.”
Serena: “To talk.”
Nate: “About why we’re not talking.”
Blair: “That doesn’t sound any smarter the second time.”

Chuck: “Looks like it’s just you and me. Apparently my room is available.”

My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:

I know, I bet you were expecting I'd chose Blair's Thread Social dress, which I do love. But it's hard to beat the perfection of this Blumarine dress Serena wears, which is impeccably styled by Eric Daman. Chef's kiss.

Final Stray Observations:

• There is no TaxiTV in the backseat of Serena, Dan and Jenny's cab!!! Can we bring that back?

• The use of the "Shut Up and Drive" music cue in this episode is downright transcendent.

• "And I make really good waffles!" Ah, the start of the ongoing Rufus's waffles gag. And we meet Cedric! Some under appreciated seeds being planted here.

• I would just like to point out Serena had three outfit changes before noon: A look she wore to visit Eric, a different look to visit Blair and then the brunch look. I aspire to live this kind of lifestyle.

• I would also like to point out Blair swans around her apartment in a sheer robe, left open, and a five-inch wedge. Oh, and her new Sunday tradition is reading what appears to be the Wall Street Journal. I love my psychopathic child.

• What parent tells a 16-year-old boy that he's part of a perfect couple right after telling him she thought her daughter always had a crush on him? That was really bizarre, Lily.

• Dexter got a new desk! Honestly, I wish they had made Dexter a recurring character, he was great.

• Rufus still remembers Lily's coffee order after twenty years. That's obviously sweet but all I can think about is how I can't even keep the same coffee order for a few months, let alone nail down a signature one.

• My late-aughts pop-punk obsessed self was delighted at the use of Gym Class Heroes in this episode. I don't think they get enough credit as being a part of that moment in music history, frankly. (Also, this is neither here nor there, but I had a GCH shirt where the initials were set up like the Louis Vuitton logo and I regret ever getting rid of it.)

• It will never, and I mean never, not drive me insane that the Humphrey loft is supposedly in Williamsburg but the external shots are all in Dumbo. They're completely different neighborhoods!!!!

• Serena throwing her phone into the trash is one of the most iconic moments of this entire show. It went underrated for so long and I'm glad it had a viral comeback.

And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:

Okay, someone get Dan Humphrey an Oscar for his performance at Bart Bass's brunch: This little hissy fit he throws about thinking Serena was different from "her world" takes on a whole new shade of sociopathic when you consider that Dan literally started an entire website to document all the ways in which Serena was exactly like this whole world. A world, by the way, that Dan desperately wanted to worm his way into!

Oh, and of course, there's the blast he sends out post-brunch, which reads in part: "Well Serena’s mystery man is a mystery no longer. His name is — oh, who cares. Now that he and S are over, so are his 15 minutes. [...] And as for S herself, we hear she left today’s brunch with no friends, no boy and nowhere left to run. It looks like the ultimate insider has become a total outsider. It’s your move, Serena, and you know who will be watching: Gossip Girl.”

Psycho!

And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!

• Some of you may be here from my former newsletter (if so, hi! I missed you!); if that’s the case, these first several editions may feel familiar. I want to keep every episode recap in one place, so I will be bringing over previously-sent editions which cover episodes 1 through 9. Think of it as reruns to get you up-to-speed for the fresh editions, which will start with episode 10!

• For that reason, Lincoln Hawk Fan Club will be free for now. I will give ample notice should that change. That being said, these recaps take a surprising amount of time and work, and your paid subscriptions are very much appreciated!

Subscribe now

• If you’re just here for fashion talk at Voted Most Talkative, you can opt out of Lincoln Hawk Fan Club by going here and turning off the corresponding toggle. (Similarly, you can opt out of VMT and only get LHFC!) But, I mean…who doesn’t love GOSSIP GIRL?!

• If you haven’t seen GOSSIP GIRL in full, and you don’t want to be spoiled, please know that Lincoln Hawk Fan Club is a spoiler-friendly zone for the entire series. You’ve been warned!

• And that’s it! You know you love me, etc, etc.

I really, really love GOSSIP GIRL.

That shouldn't come as any surprise if you've been following me on literally any forum for the last, oh, decade-plus; in fact, I'm sure that's why you're here. I've basically been GG obsessed since 2007, when I was a senior in college with vague ambitions of being a Scene Queen groupie following the Warped Tour around the country and scoring a pop-punk boyfriend. Dream big, kids.

But for the life of me, I can't remember why I even started watching the show in the first place. I had read the books in high school but wasn't particularly attached to them; I hadn't watched THE O.C. (I know, I was super Christian when it came out and it didn't pass the WWJD test) so I wasn't a Schwartz and Savage devotée; I wasn't a must-see TV kind of girl; I didn't even have aspirations of moving to New York City one day. In my memory, there is only B.G.G. and A.G.G.

Still, by the time Blair was giving her virginity up to Chuck in the backseat of the limo (sorry, this is a spoiler-friendly zone for a show that went off the air nearly a decade ago; it's now streaming on Max if you need to catch up!), I was glued to my television every Wednesday night, either with my roommates or with friends, always with alcohol in hand. That can only mean the pilot episode did its job.

Warning: This is the part where I'm going to talk about television as though I have a confident and professional grasp on how the entertainment business works. Back in the day, the way TV shows got made is that someone would write up a treatment — usually a broad overview of characters, plots, themes, etc — to pitch out the idea of a series to networks. Hopefully, a network likes your ideas enough to order a pilot episode, and once that gets the greenlight, you pull together your cast and your crew to put together a debut episode of what will hopefully turn into a full-fledged series. In fact, there's an entire chunk of the year where this all happens called "pilot season," which Google tells me runs from January to April. (This happens less in the streaming era, by the way, when platforms like Netflix or, would you guess it, Max, are much more inclined to do a full series order without a pilot in the can.)

There's a lot of pressure on pilots, as one might imagine, because they have to immediately hook the viewer on the show and lay the groundwork for the rest of the series. If you get to make a pilot, you then have to bring that back to the network where they'll test it for audiences. If they like it, the network will order more — usually the front half, or 13 episodes for traditional US television. (This will become important to GOSSIP GIRL later!) You won't re-shoot the pilot, which I love because it sometimes means there's wacky details or casting that get ironed out more after the series gets a bigger order.

For example, in the pilot episode of GOSSIP GIRL: Serena has been gone a full year and not six months, as would become the general accepted timeline; she returns seemingly in the middle of her junior year in cool months, which you can tell because everyone is wearing coats and you can see her breath on the date with Dan, but the very next episode will be in warmer weather; Chuck's mother is alive enough not only to be part-owner in The Palace, but also to have a Paxil prescription he can swipe (her death in his early years becomes a central plot point in later seasons); Blair's mom, who has a country house that gets dropped, is played by a completely different actress in Carolina Herrera cosplay (early viewers didn't believe Florencia Lozano was old enough to play Blair's mom, and I agree, plus I adore Margaret Colin in the role); both Blair and Dan live in completely different houses than they do the rest of the series; there's no Dorota (can you imagine?!); Serena and Blair both use T-Mobile Sidekick phones, which I know because I had a Sidekick and loved it, but swap out by the next episode because Verizon Wireless signed on to sponsor of the show. (This last one is not terribly important, I was just obsessed with the Sidekick in that era.)

Still, fanatical details aside, the pilot does exactly what it should, which is to deposit us squarely in the middle of the drama playing out in the lives of our favorite Upper East Siders. We establish from the jump that Gossip Girl is an omnipresent force fueled by tips. Serena is a bad girl trying to turn good while returning from a self-imposed exile from Manhattan taken after a drunken night led her to betray her best friend (and more, as we discover later). Blair is a deeply insecure perfectionist, raised by an image-obsessed mother, who has felt second fiddle to Serena her whole life. Nate is a boy vaguely adrift in a way that makes him unable to push back against the pressure he faces from his parents. Chuck is...a complete asshole. (More on that next week.) Dan is a kid with a huge chip on his shoulder about his lack of wealth or status who tries to pretend like he's above it, while his striving sister Jenny has more bald ambitions to break into the inner circle of the UES elite. And all the parents have teenage drama going on themselves!

It is, in my esteemed opinion, an absolutely perfect pilot. I think it would be impossible to watch the pilot of GOSSIP GIRL and not be hooked, or at the very least, want to tune in for a few more episodes.

So, that brings us to this newsletter: I'll be going back through the series on an episode-by-episode basis and talking about broader themes and concepts that preoccupy my thoughts at any given time, while also discussing the more minute details of the episodes in question. It is, as I mentioned, a spoiler-friendly zone. Also I don't have an editor so I suppose you'll all just have to deal with my unedited thoughts. ;)

I think we'll have fun here! Let me leave you with what I'm thinking will become recurring features:

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Best Lines of the Episode:

Lily: “So I told him, 'Forget it, I don’t care if it’s Murakami, it clashes with my sofa.' [tinkling laughter]"

Chuck: "Are you following us or something?"
Dan: “No, I...I go to your school. Identical uniforms? Kind of a tip off?”
Nate: “That’s funny.”
Dan: [waits a beat as he watches them walk away] “So, you guys wanna sit together at lunch?”

Blair: “Looks like you got a lot of yogurt left.”

Rufus: “Lily! Are you shopping for some art to match your furniture?”

My Favorite Outfit of the Episode:

It can, of course, only be this modified Anna Sui dress Blair wears when we meet her. I'm still chasing the high of seeing this headband for the first time.

Final Stray Observations:

• What happened to Melanie91? What is her deal? I would genuinely read 2000 words on the backstory of Melanie91.

• Who did the GG illustration at the top of the O.G. homepage? I KNOW it wasn't Dan.

• When Serena sees Jenny at Bendel's, she gives her the tip that the dress she's wearing would look even better in black; how does S know J is going to sew her dress? Like, the nod-wink of it clearly indicates S knows J can't afford the dress but she's met her exactly once, so maybe Jenny just gives off a homemade vibe.

• Why on God’s green earth is Chuck wearing those awful sneakers with his suit at Kiss on the Lips?

• “Sensitive, tortured soul boy is actually kinda superficial” is basically the thesis of this show. I am obsessed that Serena delivers this omniscient line so early in the series.

And Now, Your 'Dan Is a Psycho for This' Moment of the Episode:

I actually have no real beef with the show deciding Dan was Gossip Girl, because it does track with his character and they find a way to make it work. But, I'm sorry, it is completely psychotic that Dan is Gossip Girl when you take things that happen throughout the series into consideration — which is exactly what I will be doing here, because I think it's fun. (For the record: I always thought it was Dorota.)

If you're re-watching the series knowing that Dan is Gossip Girl, there are parts in the pilot that make sense, sort of, especially the shot early on of him staring at the Gossip Girl homepage on his laptop late at night. He even advises his dad to "save some trees, have a blog," which is exactly what a teenager secretly running a website ratting out his peers' secrets would say to his dad.

HOWEVER: When Gossip Girl reports that Serena was spotted in Grand Central, she relies on a tip from the famous Melanie91, when Dan also spotted Serena in Grand Central. Worse, Dan reports on Serena showing up at the Kiss on the Lips party literally as they are walking in together, effectively blowing up her spot and potentially making it harder to find his own sister. Stone cold psycho stuff. Also, was cell phone technology even good enough to pull that off in 2007?

I'm awarding general bonus points in both directions for Dan giving himself a bullshit nickname instead of using his real name in any blast about himself. He's constantly wallowing in self-pity about his lack of status, so I simultaneously believe he'd give himself the pathetic moniker "Lonely Boy" and adamantly feel he'd use the GG platform to give the Humphrey name some of that glitz and glamour he's so hard-pressed for the second he scored that date with Serena.

And that's it! Thank you for signing up for Lincoln Hawk Fan Club; if you have any thoughts, questions or comments, I'd love to hear them. XOXO!